Paper Work

There is a single phrase that, once I hear it, I know a relationship is doomed.

It has a variety of introductory phrases such as "I don't know what went wrong since we..." or "If you had asked my friends, they all would have said..." But the give away is the phrase itself.

"We looked good on paper."

That is it. Done. The relationship is dead.

I think the reason may be that, once we meet someone and make that initial "aha" connection, we then start thinking about the future. How will my family like him? What will my friends say? What will our kids be like? And slowly we build an imaginary blueprint of who we will be and how it will look. We create a future based on presumptions and assumptions and then build more on top of those. And all this fortune telling makes us slowly begin to think that not only can this work but that it has to work. It looks good on paper.

He has a great job. His teeth are so pretty. His parents love me so much. It looks so good on paper. And the more we say it, the more we try to force that really square peg into a perfectly rounded hole, the more we think anything other than complete happiness equals utter failure.

Don't do this with your relationships. Quit thinking twenty years down the road and imagining baby names. Be in the moment and keep your eyes open for those bright red flags that inevitably will be planted. And each time you see one ask yourself, is this a deal breaker? Is being with him worth putting up with this?

Be realistic. Enjoy yourself. And quit thinking about paper work.

David Ezell will have two speaking engagements this upcoming week! On Monday March 2nd will be No More Disappearing Dates! for Moxie in the City. And Tuesday the 3rd he will be How Can I Control Someone Else? for the Building Better Relationships Meet Up Group.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Happy Mardi Gras

One of the challenges of writing a blog on a regular basis is trying to take my theme--psychology in every day life--and fit it into situations on a regular basis.

As with today, which in the Christian calendar is Fat Tuesday, a day to revel and party before atonement on the way to Easter. I could discuss the historic roots and the understanding that partying satisfies a basic part of the human condition. Or I could discuss the role guilt plays in it all. Or I could speak in terms of positive psychology and say that we should celebrate every day we are six feet above ground.

But I won't do any of those things, as they all strike me as a little trite. So I give you good wishes and what I found to be a charming video of what the day was when the celebration was a simpler affair. I want to wish you all a happy Mardi Gras and I hope you celebrate your life today...and tomorrow as well.

Better Understanding Words & Actions

One of the primary concepts I help my clients gain is a better understanding of what to do with words and actions. My thesis is simple. Words mean nothing by themselves and neither do actions. It is the combination of the two—both words and actions—that give us the true indicator of a person’s character.

People talk all the time. It is after all a biological fluke that we can speak. And most of us are apparently quite happy about it as we do so with great regularity (I stand guilty as charged). As a result, words don’t mean much on their own.

And actions by themselves don’t stand for a great deal either. True, they do require more investment than talking, but most of the time acts by themselves need to be seen in context, as part of a plan, to reveal true intent. Think of them as the pieces of a puzzle. Do the words and actions make a complete picture? If they don't we need to find the other pieces.

Listen to words and observe actions. Do they reflect each other? If so, great. But when they don't connect, look for more information. Ask questions...pay attention to the responses...and then watch some more. Sometimes you may find things that make you unhappy. But better to do so on your own terms as opposed to someone else's.

If you want to talk to David Ezell about a better understanding of how words and actions fit into your life, click here.

Happy Valentines Day Dear Readers

My valentine to all of you....use it as a desktop for the day...and remember to be thankful for all your relationships...romantic and otherwise.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Dried Plums or Prunes?

I joined a new on-line dating site and was excited at the prospect of seeing who would cross my path as a result.

Well, Dame Fortune sure did smile down on me. The first guy who contacted me sounded like a really electric choice—Lonely Guy 247. “Friends tell me I am such a nice guy and always want to know why I have not found someone special.” And, to make a great ad even better—he did not have a picture on his profile! Wow.

The ironic section of this posting is now complete.

I think personals are a great way to get things started and I know scores of people who have met their significant others on-line. But many take the mistakes they make in the real world and plunk them down on the page. Take Lonely Guy 247 (let’s call him LG). LG, you need to really reconsider that handle you chose for yourself. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever one was heard. If you want some traffic, you have to give people a reason to come to you.

Lonely Guy? It sizzles when you read it—damn, I can’t stop being ironic. And I need to, because I want to help LG. Dude, pick out something in your personality that is interesting, intriguing or exciting. Highlight that over the fact you are lonely and you are a guy. Lonely is as unsexy an adjective as one can pick and it is unexceptional—many people are lonely. And there are tons of Guys out there. What do you love? What do you have that is special about you? Take that and make that your nom de plume. Regardless of if you like it or not, we are selling a product when we go onto the Web—we are selling you.

The next part of rebranding an ad like this is that opening sentence. Grab me with a strong line. I just cut and pasted this from another one of my matches

“Okay... sure you've heard this before, but I'm new to this.”

Yes, I have heard it before. And saying it in your ad does nothing for you or me. Choose these opening words carefully. People only read a few lines at best. And saying things that have been said again and again make my “next” button finger itchy.

And the picture, or the lack of one….what can I say? Pictures sell things and sell people. I don’t know LG’s motivation for not having a picture but I promise you I am not imagining good things when I see an empty box where the image is supposed to be. It is the 21st century. Get a camera and get a friend, or hire a pro and get out there. What you may see as a weakness I may see as strength. So let me find out LG and if I am interested, I’ll get back to you.

Have a great Friday the 13th!

David Ezell is giving his annual Valentines workshop at the Jewish Community Center on the 23rd of February. Regardless of if you are a JCC member or not, or Jewish or not, this event is always fun and filled with singles. This year we will focus on creating an on-line personals ad using a volunteer’s pictures and copy in real time. Come join us!

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Happy Birthday Mr. Darwin

I was scanning my calendar and realized this date, 12 February 2009, has got to be a thinking liberals Kwanzaa and Christmas all rolled into one. First, it is the 200th birthday of a man who was debateably our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln.

Second, it is the centennial of America’s premiere civil rights organization, the NAACP. Although they have a spotty record with regard to being effective for their people’s cause, they stand as the model for any minority that wants to create a presence in the main stream.

But more important than either is the birthday of a man not born on this soil, the man responsible for more fights, stupid legislation and a few good movies. Charles Darwin’s birthday, his bicentennial, is today. What an intellect and what a theory. How fortunate he is to still, 150 years after his book came out, be making people question their narrow perceptions about our true place in the universe.

I had the privilege a few years back to teach history and sociology at a few of the South’s major universities as well as a few small colleges. Normally, as all novice instructors do, I had to teach the intro courses—Western Civ I and II. I had big classes filled with first-year undergrads who, for the most part, did not want to be there

Every now and then a topic would grab them—invention in the Dark Ages, Martin Luther, women in the French Revolution—and one topic would usually cause some real debate. Charles Darwin. From the moment I brought him up, some would frown or challenge me or talk about their religious views. And I tried to be patient because in the southern U.S., save for a very few exceptions, Darwin is synonymous with the Devil. Darwinism is a religious discussion that never happens except in the most enlightened of circles below the dreaded (and nebulous) Mason-Dixon line.

But I would try to get them to look at the logic of the man’s most central idea. Evolution occurs when a group that has a shared trait does not reproduce because that trait puts them at a disadvantage. Forget monkeys, forget humanoids and think about the primary concept—a being can’t pass their genetic traits if they no longer exist.

Think about roaches. I know, you don’t want to, but this is the example I would use in teaching. Imagine you had roaches in your kitchen (you just might according to recent statistics…). Now you turn on the light and YoW! there are two roaches! One runs and one stands still. You squish her. That action, killing a bug, is actually shaping the gene pool of roaches in your house. The one who ran is going home to the old lady and going to create a clan of girls and boys who have a tendency to run when the lights go on. And the one on the bottom of your Keds is going to wind up in the A&P bag you are using to line your garbage pail. That, lads and lassies, is Darwin at his most basic. Over time traits that hinder survival are bred out. And conversely traits that contribute to survival are more likely to be preserved and passed along.

So on this day let’s thank the man who proposed a logical route to evolution and still effects us so many years after his words came into print. Happy birthday Mr. Darwin.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Stoopid Cupid

We are a mere eight days from the darkest day of the year, at least for single folk, St. Valentine's Day.

And, as all holidays do, it reminds singletons that they are, in fact, not dating anyone. Owww! It is a discriminatory holiday as it focuses on being in love with someone else. Black and white thinking at its best--I either have a valentine or I don't. But unlike most cases in life this truly is BLACK or WHITE. Like being pregnant, you either are with a valentine or you aren't. Yuck.

What is it about holidays that makes us so sensitive? It's called an anniversary reaction (AR)--that is when holidays elicit an emotion or a reaction from us. ARs occur at a subconscious level and that is what makes people unaware of, or unwilling to acknowledge, their existence. On holidays we have a mental picture of where we should be and who we should be with. Don't believe me? Then play this simple Anniversary Reaction Game:

Close your eyes (wait, don't do that, you won't be able to continue reading)...okay, keep your eyes open and when you read the following, what is the first image that comes to mind?

FOURTH OF JULY

Did you see yourself outside, maybe watching fireworks or eating? For most of you, something like that happened. I am willing to bet that regardless of the activity, you were not alone. There were people around...right? Your whole life images of fun and fireworks have shaped your vision of what the 4th should be. And if that vision does not look life reality, it can be very disappointing.

Let's try it again:

THANKSGIVING

I am willing to bet my tiny apartment that you saw a Norman Rockwell painting or some variation thereunto. A group of people, a family, gathered around a big steaming mound of tofu or turkey or whatever your family, vegan or carnivore, consumes. So you get the idea; we have been culturally programed to believe we should be somewhere with some person, or group, on specific days.

So what to do? First, believe that you will have an AR on Valentines or other significant dates. When people come to me after the fact and tell me how depressed they were, I find that they were in denial that it could happen. Are you single and facing 14 February without a date? Get thee to a funnery. Find something fun to do and go do it. You don't have to spend a great deal or money or go stand in a bar by yourself...but go do something fun for you. It will help keep your AR at bay.

And second, use this time to think about what it is about this situation that needs to change. Use the promise of next year's VD (Valentine's Day--kind of ironic it has the same initials as the other VD) to set a goal for yourself. Valentine's Day 2010 I won't be single. Take the year to examine yourself and work on the parts of you that need to be fined tuned. Resolutions aren't just about 1 January. They can be applied wherever you see the need for change.

David Ezell will be having his annual Valentine's workshop for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual folk at the Jewish Community Center in Manhattan in a few weeks on Writing an Irresistible Online Profile. Regardless of if you are Jewish or not, this will be a great fun with a lot of hot single men and women.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Michael Phelps and THAT Picture

It does not take much skimming to bump into a story about Michael Phelps smoking pot in South Carolina. And it seems, based on his confession, it's true.

A 23 year old young man who has devoted almost all of his life to training wants to let his very short hair down. This, folks, is not news. I had the pleasure of meeting the world's greatest swimmer at a book signing in Midtown Manhattan in December. He seemed nice enough--quiet, smiling, casually dressed. Not unlike any other twenty-something that I have had cross my path with one exception--he is really tall.

Phelps is young, rich and most probably feels the need to catch up on what he hears his friends have been doing for years. Kissing, flirting, drinking, having sex. You know....remember when you were 23? Add to that a strong mix of apparent naivete. What makes me say that? He allowed himself to be photographed smoking pot.

So why are Americans, scratch that, people all over the world, overreacting the way they are? Because they need heroes. And the illusion that he is beyond reproach is an important one to many. But that is a fantasy. Phelps is a person and has the same needs and desires that we all have. And I have a feeling that the only thing that is going to come out of this is he is going to become more careful about his vices from here on out.

One other thing--I am not hearing much of a reaction to his drinking, "throwing back shots of booze two at a time..." It's pretty amazing how compartmentalized most people are when it comes to their choice of hallucinogens. While I am sure some Puritans are shocked that he drinks, I have not seen any complaints in planet blog. It seems, despite what we know about the dangerous complications and consequences of drinking alcohol, these actions are not seen as being a problem.

People are hypocrites about alcohol and marijuana use. It's only through a fluke of history that one is legal and one is not. Realizing that drinking wine and firing up a bong and smoking a red box of Marlboros all serve the same function--self-medication--is a concept most people are not too comfortable with. Folks, they are all the same.

Have fun Michael. Be safe. And no more pictures, okay?

True Love Ways

I just skimmed my calendar and realized one of the reasons today is significant; it is the anniversary of the death of a man many of you may not be familiar with, but if you listen to American popular music, you hear him Every Day.



His name is Buddy Holly, and he, along with Richie Valens and the Big Bopper, died in a tragic plane crash on a snowy night 50 years ago.

I think for many of you Holly comes off as either a little sappy, a little simplistic, or both. But if you know the story of his life you may be appreciate who Holly was and the lessons we potentially gain from him.

Holly was a musical rebel in the 1950s, an artist who was offered a great deal of cash to sound like everyone else. And, even though he was desperate to be heard, he refused to compromise his sound. His friends and family thought he was nuts, but he held on and eventually found a producer who would give him what he wanted on his terms. And in doing that, Holly went on the produce a string of amazing pop standards that still stand the test of time—Every Day, Oh Boy!, Peggy Sue, Maybe Baby and one of his final songs dedicated to his wife Maria Elana—True Love Ways.

Listen to his music via iTunes or some other music vendor and tune into his clear, natural voice. Or if you want, one of the best bio-pics Hollywood ever cranked out is The Buddy Holly Story (before Gary Busey bumped his head ☺).



I hope this does not come off sounding like some sort of motivational speaker’s pitch. Compromises are part of life. We set out to achieve a goal and then, many times, events big and small force us to rethink what we want, what we need and what we absolutely have to have. But be very careful with compromises. Make too many and we lose a very precious asset—you.

Thanks for the music and the example Buddy--rest in peace.