How Fast is Too Fast?

When it comes to matters of dating and love, how fast is too fast?

You had a great date with some guy or girl who feels exactly the same way. You feel such a connection--how could someone fit you the way he/she does? You feel the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are, how delighted that it went so well. And then it dawns on you, hey, I'm gonna ask him/her out to lunch tomorrow. And then see if he/she wants to go to the game on Friday (I can tell my best friend we'll go another time). And then of course, Saturday will be our one-week anniversary, we can't miss that. Maybe a romantic dinner at that little spot on 4th Avenue. I usually save it for somebody I have been dating for a while, but it feels like we have been together forever...

Sound familar? Hopefully, if you are an adult of a certain age, you have felt this way about another person at least a few times in your life. It feels great and if it feels great, then you want more of it, right?

No, you don't.

Why? Because of another phenomenon you have heard of--too much too soon. If feels fantastic, you are so connected, and then just as quickly as it rose, it fell.

So what to do? How do you keep that fabulous ball bouncing? Slow down. Act counter to the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are that you met on that subway or on-line. What if I had not logged on that night? We may never have met.... Take it easy partner. If it is great now, and you want it to be great later, don't call and write and nudge and wink and post and text. Leave a little space between the two of you and and see where things go. It has only been a week, or two weeks, or two months. It is hard to find someone to love. And it seems you are on the right path. But don't allow it to wither by not letting it have any light. Like the tender buds of May, a relationship needs light and air, along with a touch of TLC, to grow.

Happy Friday.

My Letter to Obama: Why Sir Are You a Bigot?

I just skimmed our new president's revised positions for sexual minority clients. And after reading it, I have made a decision to write our president and ask him how he, a man of letters and a scholar of the law, can knowingly support the denial of marriage to same sex couples.

I know the negative consequences prejudice has on people, and I can't sit by without challenging his clearly prejudicial position with regard to Americans who are not heterosexual.

Here is my letter:

Dear President Obama,

First, congratulations on becoming the new president of the United States. I saw a photograph of you at your desk your first day at work, and even though you were making major decisions on a variety of issues, your desktop was totally clear. I hope that reflects the mind behind it, as we need someone with a clear vision in the office.

Which leads me to the reason I am writing this letter. I want to better understand your position on same-sex marriage. I have seen stories reporting your prejudicial view on same-sex marriage before, and your website confirms that such is the case;

President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples.

Why do those of us who were born sexually different deserve separate but equal treatment under the law? How can you, a man who has dealt with prejudice his entire life, support anything less that full rights for all adults who are citizens of the United States? Mr. Obama, why sir are you a bigot when it comes to sexuality?

I respectfully wait your reply and wish you the best in the days to come.

David Ezell

As soon as I get a reply, I will post it here...

Happy Wednesday one and all.

Cranking a Car I No Longer Own

I gave my car to charity in 1999 when I found out I was moving to New York City. I have not owned a car since. But about three times a month, as I run for the subway, I pull out my keys. A charming cognitive relic of my past life.

I suppose that shows how hard it is to break a habit. In my minds more primal parts I am going somewhere so I need my car keys. 1999 brain meet 2009--you, happily, have no car to crank.

Among the things this tells me, it tells me that habits are hard to break. Habits serve a function as automated thoughts so we don't have to be rethink every action we take every day. The down side of this is that undoing those automatic thoughts is an on-going challenge. I don't own a car, don't want one. BUT I still feel the occasional need to crank one up.

What are your antiquated and ingrained thoughts? What do you struggle with to deconstruct? Whatever it is change comes hard. Keep struggling and give yourself a break as you work to move from a past-focused mind to one set on the present and the future.

Sometimes Happiness Floats By

Isn't it amazing how rubber bags filled with helium can make you feel? I was sitting on the train and this balloon salesman came on the train with massive bags filled with helium balloons. We, these hard-boiled New Yorkers, all smiled. So simple...and it made us all so happy.

Chinese New Year; It's Not Just for Asians Anymore

I just skimmed the calendar and realized what today is. Clean out your houses and celebrate as the Lunar New Year--the Year of the Ox--begins.

For those readers from the East, this is a time to start the year right, focusing on prosperity and change for the good--with a little bribe or two to the gods one wants to be favored by.

I think the rest of us should take a moment to check in on our resolutions.

"Huh? What's he talking about?," you may ask. Your resolutions....the ones you set into motion a mere 25 days ago, give or take a day. THOSE resolutions. How are you doing on those?

You know, you don't have to have a certain day to set goals or determine what stands in your way from getting them. You can do that any day, not just the first or the 26th.

Look at what you wanted to change. Are you on your way? If so, congratulate yourself--don't discount the positive work you have done!

And if you have not, determine what is getting in your way. Is the goal too big? Not specific enough? Not well defined enough? Do you really want it? These factors tend to be the ones that keep wishes from becoming reality.

Happy Monday and happy year of the ox.

Cognitive Behavioral Principle: Discounting the Positive

 (good news) + (bad news) = 360 View


Discounting the Positive is one of the most common problems humans face. In short, it is when a person fails to acknowledge successes and only looks at what she has not done.

For instance, I have a client (let's call her Mary) who, from all accounts would be considered a success. She is in a highly regarded field, one that many would love to be in. She works hard, gets raises, promotions, bonuses. On top of that Mary has an active dating life and many friends. And during the week she teaches an exercise class as she decided to become certified in her spare time. That is what I see.

What does Mary see? A failure. Because she has the desire to be a mother and she is not, she thinks she is a complete loser. All the accomplishments above don't matter to her--she only sees what she does not have.

Mary considers herself to be a realist and that is why she bashes herself over the head about motherhood. I see her as someone who is struggling with accepting reality. Reality is a mix of accomplishments, things tried and things left to do. Her reality is all about what she does not have.

So I am helping her to understand what discounting the positive does to her. And slowly, slowly she is beginning to see all 360 degrees as opposed to five or six.

Examine your life--what do you discount? Once you recognize what it is, ask yourself how that practice, the practice of ignoring the good aspects of your life keep you from changing what you want to change.

Want to ask David a question about Discounting the Positive?

Dating vs. Hooking Up

BUT FIRST A QUICK COMMERCIAL...
On February 23rd David's workshop Writing an Irresistible Online Profile (for the LGBT community) is at the Jewish Community Center on the UWS in Manhattan.This event, for Jews and goys alike, will be a blast, with us creating a volunteer's on-line profile in real time. How do you pick pics? What's the best way to say something that will make them hit reply? Come find out...place your reservation now!

DATING VS. HOOKING UP

Sometimes when I am working with one of a group, I am surprised to find that my clients don't seem to be aware of the difference between hooking up and dating.

Hooking Up: Running or replying to an ad for casual, "no strings" sex. Typically this involves a lot of short e-mails, the exchange of some explicit and some benign photos, totally inappropriate replies from strange people, the identification of a person of interest followed by a 10-second phone call to make sure the other party sounds sane then a clandestine meeting at one of the people's homes.

These events will, in most cases, never lead to a second encounter. In some cases, where the chemistry is right and the individuals look better in real life than in their pictures, the two of them become "friends with benefits" or, (make sure there are no kids around), "fuck buddies."

Dating: This activity can stem from any variety of sources--mutual friends, meeting on the street, co-workers who know someone or even an 0n-line ad on a legitimate site (preferably Yahoo Personals as E-Harmony and Match are both laden with troublesome political ties). As with the hook-up, pictures may be swapped (less provocative ones usually) and a phone call or two may follow as well. However, unlike the hook-up, the meeting is almost always public and focused on an activity besides the horizontal hustle.

These events will, in most cases, never lead to a second encounter. In some cases, where the chemistry is right and/or the individuals look better in real life than in their pictures, the two of them go on a second date. Out of that population, a third date is a slim possibility that leads to a forth, rinse and repeat.

Can dates emerge from hooking-up? In the words of the Magic 8 Ball, "signs point to no." In almost no cases will that occur, although it seems everyone I say this to has a friend who met his or her significant other at a sex party and they have been together over ten years and have a house upstate.

To summarize, there is nothing wrong with either hooking up or dating. Neither is a perfect system but they are separate entities and create separate results. Hooking-up almost never gives one anything more than a few moments pleasure. Dating tends to take a longer time to return rewards but does offer the chance for something more the next day. The problem lies in a person doing one and wanting it to be the other--a decidedly human trait.

Happy Friday!

Kissing One's Way to the Oscar

The results are in. And per my predictions from about a month ago, Sean Penn is nominated for playing a heterosexual males who kisses other men.

I tell you folks, playing gay is the new retarded. If an actor who is decidedly heterosexual makes the brave choice to kiss another dude, he is set for a nomination, if not the big prize.

Congrats Sean Penn for your work on Milk.

Rowe vs. Wade

Let's take a moment to think about Rowe vs. Wade and it's significance in the history of these Untied (sic) States.

Giving women control of their bodies to make their own ethical choices is a principle that has to be preserved. Giving women--giving people--the adults to make decisions is a basic right guaranteed by the founding documents of this nation (recall "the pursuit of happiness"). But beyond that it is the primary way we as humans grow.

Are some people going to be irresponsible? Certainly. Are some going to make bad choices based on their circumstances? Absolutely. But it will be their choice and not a dictate from a small clutch of judgemental thinkers acting in some pseudo-parental capacity.

Living is growing and learning. Learning comes from making decisions, good as well as bad. I actually think the bad choices are the ones that in the long run are far more valuable. Rowe vs. Wade as well as gay marriage are related in that sense. Empowering those without rights to make choices and discover consequences creates people who feel empowered and more adult, even if they made the wrong moves.

Here's to making the wrong moves--as well as the right ones.

Beliefs vs. Facts

I am amused when people treat facts like Santa Claus.

Facts--global warming, the mind/body connection or having a man of color in the White House--are frequently treated as if they are beliefs that may or may not be believed.

Well dear readers have a seat. They are true; the climate is changing, the mind and the body are one in the same and we have a non-Caucasian running things in these Untied, I mean United States.

Differentiating between fact and what one wishes or hopes for is a skill that is difficult to acquire. Why? Because humans tend to have a desire to see the world as they want it to be and not as it is.

Regardless, the duty of the educated is to look for evidence from reliable sources and challenge those who espouse ignorance. Doing so will not always make you the most popular person at the party. But, as Edmund Burke wrote a while back, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Pick your battles--you do want to have friends--but when you hear someone challenge your core ideas, go after them. Otherwise you are part of the problem.

The United States of Tara

I just saw an online preview of the latest series from Showtime, The United States of Tara.

In Tara, Broadway baby Toni Collette is great, as always in this ground-breaking series from Showtime. In the attempt to continue to out ground break themselves and HBO, the Showtime folk have decided to explore the life of a family seriously effected by one of the most devastating and controversial diagnoses, Dissociative Personality Disorder.

I must admit, I went into this thinking that I would HATE it. Why? Well, the ad campaign makes it look like a WaCkY comedy about mental illness. And that is decidedly offensive, as this extremely debilitating illness holds it’s victims captive, many for their entire lives. While it is not really a comedy, at least in the TV sense of the word, it is not a drama either. I think their fear of crossing the line between daring and tasteless is forcing them to be neither. In an attempt to be ground breaking they may wind up simply being offensive or, even worse, boring.

John Corbett, from Northern Exposure and Sex and the City (Carrie, why did you ditch this dreamboat for Big?) is delicious as always playing the impossibly supportive husband to a woman who suffers at the hands of this very serious condition. Which I guess leads me to my other problem with Tara. What is the motivation of Tara’s husband to stay with someone who, so many years after post-diagnosis, is still so unstable.

Love? Yes, I understand how love works, but this relationship looks more unhealthy than healthy. Why would a competent, handsome, successful man stick with this situation day after day and year after year? The producers of this show are clearly gifted. But are they gifted enough to explain his motivation? Let's see...

Obama and Expectations

(high expectations) = BIG disappointment

I just skimmed the web with the phrase "Obama memorabilia" and was amazed at all the items I saw. Not since FDR have people been so pumped to own a piece of a man and have a stake in his vision.

Congratulations to our new president on this special day! I, like so many of us, look forward to a new positive force in the Oval Office.

I see so much excitement, so much hope in people in a way I do not think I ever have before. And that concerns me a little. I am not trying to be negative and I hope I don't sound that way. But I am concerned that people's expectations--which are very high--are so stellar that they will be impossible to achieve no matter how much good he does in the days, weeks and years to follow.

Many of us are tired. Many of us feel disenfranchised. Many of us are hungry for a new vision. I understand that. But all of us need to be realistic about what one man can do and how quickly he can do it.

Keep your expectations in check over those upcoming days, weeks, months. If expectations are too high, that means you have a long way to fall. As I mentioned in my post "Lose Your Big Stomach in 2 Days!?," what took a while to get in will take a while to get out. And quick fixes come with strings...

Congrats President Obama on this happy day!

Clinton Sees $1.1 Trillion in Excess Revenue in Decade

This is the headline from an article in the New York Times, 3 February 1998. While it was not that long ago, in some ways it feels like it is from another lifetime.

Perhaps the saddest/funniest part is a few paragraphs in:

In just five months, Mr. Clinton's forecast has become much more optimistic. He now predicts that the Government will run a surplus of $216 billion in 2007, which is $49 billion more than he predicted in September.

Let's not forget it happened. And let's try to believe that it can happen again.

Have a great day as this historic transition occurs.

Slaves Were Used to Build the White House

I just skimmed Obama headlines (are there any other on this day?) and found myself recalling the fact that slave labor helped build the White House.

When I Googled it I found a reliable source, the White House Historical Association. And yes, slave labor was used to fill gaps when European workers failed to show at the soggy, hot work site. Slave labor, as well as free helped make a new home for the leader of this new land. They also helped build the Capitol Building and many other buildings as well.

Yesterday I found myself thinking about what an 80 year old MLK would think about our new president. But can you imagine what these men and women, slave, indentured and free, would have to say about this astonishing accomplishment?

I am very critical of our democratic experiement. But at this moment, as I type the words, I get the feeling that at times it actually works.

Happy MLK to One and All!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

If only Dr. King knew what is going to happen tomorrow...

Obama and Sexual Minorities

As you may have heard, Bishop Gene Robinson's invocation was omitted from both HBO and NPR's broadcast of the pre-inagural events yesterday. According to sources at HBO (as reported on afterelton.com), the decision to skip Robinson came from the Obama team.

Assuming this is not a case of pass the buck, here is another indication that the words and actions of the Obama group don't match.

Frankly, I could hardly care less about either Robinson's comments nor those of the bigoted Rick Warren, who was chosen to speak on innaguration day. I believe in the separation of church and state and think mixing the two has gotten us in a lot of the mess from which we all are suffering. That said, Robinson's selection was seen as a concession to queers after the Warren insult. But the bait and switch of asking him, and then silencing him, is problematic.

I voted for Obama, as I know that sexual minorities will suffer far worse at the hands of the GOP. That said, I have never had any illusions about the Democrats who seemingly lack any sort of central directive, especially when it come to the rights of women and men with alternative sexual desire.

Does choosing Warren or omitting Robinson have any long term impact? No.

If that is true, what's the big deal? What it tells, which is that Obama and company's word (LGBT folk are mistreated, we will change that) when compared to their actions (they are disposeable when it suits us) don't match.

Which one, words or actions, reflects the Obama administration's position? I guess we will have to wait and see for ourselves.

Lose Your Big Stomach in 2 Days!?

In my neighborhood, for years now, I see pitches taped to street lamps and telephone poles. They all imply the same thing...quick fixes for one simple cure (and the money it costs to get cured of course).

And we as frail individuals all want that--a simple fix to a complex problem.

This just in--there are none.

What took energy and time to create--a gut, a codependent lover, credit card debt--with take an equal or greater amount of energy and some time to end. So as you work on your goals, both short and long, keep in mind how long it took to get you in the situation in the first place.

Hang in there and happy Monday!

The Smart Thing About Being Stupid

I have been working with a client for quite some time on a variety of issues. One of the primary ones is his family--a distant narcissistic father, a mother in denial about the problems their family have and a sister who is very angry and self righteous.

Every now and then the sister will contact him and make a few rude remarks to get him going. He reacts and BAM they are off to the races with ugly words and hurt feelings. He always emerges angry, not only at her but at himself for taking the bait. "What can I do to make her stop?" he asked me.

My solution is simple. He can't control her but he can control him. I suggested he stop taking the bait. When she, or anyone for that matter, provokes him he needs to act as if she had said something different. The concept, cheerful and stupid, will be quite familiar to listeners of the New York radio institution Dr. Joy Browne.

With cheerful and stupid one behaves as if he hears sweet words he agrees with as opposed to triggers for a fight.

How did it work with my guy? Great so far. He got a text message around Christmas saying (this is a direct quote from his phone with his permission):

Though you have chosen not to talk to us anymore, i (sic) truly wish you a Merry Christmas. I hate you are missing out on Susie (his niece, not the real name). She is truly a blessing.

Well he got this and almost lashed out, telling her how she was the cause of so much of his anger and disappointment. But then he remembered his new mantra--stupid and cheerful.

He waited a while and replied:

Sounds like you are doing a great job with her! Merry Christmas to you all!

Wonderful job. He stepped over the booby trap and focused on the benign. What did she do? Not reply. How can you fight with a comment like that?

Look for times when being stupid and cheerful will work for you. It really will set you free.

Looking for a Serious Relationship? NOT

I just skimmed some personals ads on-line and I have to say, it does not take too long to find a personals ad with problems. And as I get ready to give my February workshop "Writing an Irresistible Online Profile" I am looking for some prime examples of what not to do.

One of the more egregious crimes is having words that say one thing and pictures that say another. This crime, an offense punishable by not getting the responses you seek, occurs when people say they are tired of "trashy one night stands" and are "looking for true love." Or they say, "NOT looking for a hook up."

Well what is wrong with that you ask?

The words don't match their actions. They say that, and then they put up pics like the one you see here. I'm not complaining now...it is a nice shot. But that said, listen to the words and look at the torso. One does not support the other.

What is the solution? If you are looking for sex, that is fine. Go after it and post pictures like this. If you are seeking true love--all the best--it is hard to find. But don't pictures like this for your quest. Pictures for one can't support pictures for the other. We need headshots, and a few of them, ALL TAKEN WITHIN THE LAST SIX MONTHS. People need to see you, the person, not you the abs. Don't complain about being treated like a piece of meat if that is what you are selling my dear.

Speaking of which...I need some new pictures.

Have a great day.

Statistics and Real Life

The first time I bowled--I mean the very first time--I got a strike. I was desperate for a PE credit to graduate and every Tuesday morning at 8 (!) am I went to the local arcade de bowling to earn that final credit. And the first time I picked up a ball--WHAM--a strike.

What may one infer from that about my performance as a bowler based on that fact? Absolutely nothing. The reason is that the number of times I had bowled, what statisticians call the "N," the number of times I tried it, is far too low. And that makes sense. Beginner's luck could be the cause, or a high degree of natural skill or some other unforeseen factor.

Why am I talking about stats? Because statistics is the most scientific, systematic way to understand our lives. We need to try something more than once to see if whatever it is--dating someone new, public speaking, culottes--works for us. And most of the time that is not what I see when I speak to clients about change.

"I met her and within 15 minutes I had decided she was not into me"

"Once I started speaking they looked bored and I knew I was not doing a good job. I am never gonna go to Toastmasters again."

"I knew right away that I looked awful in culottes. People were staring at me!"

These are the sort of things I hear over and over. Making a life changing move--dating, trying something you are scared of, even wearing something you don't normally wear--is a change. And we humans don't do change well. So we jump to conclusions or we mind read or we predict the future based on a single moment. Not the greatest way to think about your life folks.

Try something, or someone, more than once. Be open to new ideas and concepts. And pay careful attention to the results. You might find that as your N increases you will gain more information that helps you get a more accurate picture of how your date, your speech, your new clothes, truly worked for you.

BTW, I never got another strike. And believe me, I had a large N by the time the semester had ended.

Have a great day!

Is Being Negative and Being Realistic the Same Thing?

I just skimmed the New York Times headlines for the week and saw that unemployment is at 7.2 per cent. Seeing that headline got me thinking...

Humans have a tendency to confuse negativism and realism. In my job as a life coach, I see it constantly. When clients tell me that they "had to get realistic" or "want to get real," I buckle my seat belt. I know that they are now going to tell me everything that is wrong in their lives; everything that did not work and everything they are convinced they cannot do.

That is not being real...that is simply being negative.

Realism involves the negative, but also the positive and everything in your universe that lies between those two positions. It involves giving yourself credit for the challenges tried, failures and your successes as well. Realism is acknowledging the fact that your abs are less than stellar, but your legs are amazing. It is knowing that many consider your voice whiny, but think that it is worth it to listen because of the quality of what you have to say.

Unemployment is 7.2 per cent. That is awful. But employment is 92.8 per cent. Sounds pretty good to me. I know, we measure unemployment. But isn't that what I am talking about? Only focusing on what we don't have, can't do, and struggle with is not realistic.

It's simply being negative.

Have a great day.

Let’s Realign in 2009

Any of you who know me know that I balk at bumper sticker statements.

Now that I have said that, I have to admit I had my own Ali moment when I hopped out of the subway yesterday.

Let’s realign in 2009.

Okay, it not Shelley or Frost, but I like it. It works at the personal level, and it works at the national level as well. All of us need to look at what we are doing and decide how we can change it for the better.

What makes you unhappy in your life? Is it a big issue? Probably, but perhaps not. Regardless of size, write it down and then list everything that would make it more palatable, or tolerable, or maybe even go away.

Then pick the first step and start. Start right now. Take the first step towards a small part of the goal. Schedule reminders on your iPhone or other techno gadget or the calendar your pharmacy gave you. Need inspiration? Look at the clock…it waits for no one.

Let’s realign in 2009.

My Exercise Class is (Temporarily) Full

I dread this time of year at my gym or any gym for that matter. Why? They are packed. Packed full of the usual gym bunnies and gym rats and other animals, but also one other species that tend to appear on a less frequent schedule than most mammals.

These are the creatures that come with very high-minded notions, good intent and shortsighted goals—the short-term jock (jockus temporous). They huff and puff, don't stretch properly, exercise with bad form and hop on the scales over and over. And once they discover they did not lose 27 pounds in three days, they hibernate until their birthday, or until they lose a girlfriend or catch a nude glance in a full-length mirror. These mysterious creatures are very common and not very well understood.

All kidding aside, this situation is a sad one, as these are folks who can’t succeed in the gym. They have good intentions but no clue on how to incorporate fitness into their lives. As a result they suffer not only from a variety of physical health issues, but also the emotional effects of a sedentary life. I work with some clients on issues relating to their bodies and exercise. And there are a few common threads that seem to always appear.

First, they have very high expectations. They expect to undo years of damage—muscle loss or high body fat—in a few days. And these high expectations put them at risk for failure.

Another common problem is they over indulge, just as they did with eating and the other bad habits that motivate them to join the gym in the first place. And just like the problem of expectations, these indulgences create a dynamic that insures they won’t be able to enjoy the long-term fruits of a healthy lifestyle.

As I mentioned above, this is one area of expertise I have as a life coach, helping people either reconnect with their body or discover it for the first time. So if you'd like to find out more about how I can help you unlock your "inner jock," just drop me a line.

Now I am gonna go wait in line for a Stairmaster...at least for another week or so... :)

Resolve to Make Resolutions Work

I hear it from my clients, friends, even passing acquaintances, “I don’t do resolutions.”

Apparently resolutions have, over the years, gotten a bad wrap. My best guess is that comes from the fact that they are easy to create and awfully hard to execute.

So what to do? Well, instead of being black and white about them, I think figuring out a more moderate, reasonable approach is the way to make resolutions work.

How? State what your overall objective is and then, after some brain storming, set a specific, measureable goal that puts you closer to the bigger objective.

“What does one look like?” asks the lady in the back of the room.

Well let me give you an example by first showing what a bad resolution, the kind that gets abandoned after a few days or weeks, looks like.

I WILL DO MORE SOCIAL THINGS

Yeah, that is doomed for failure all right. What makes me say that? First, “more”; what does more mean? That has to be refined before you can go further. How many times a month, or even better, week, can you be expected to get out of the house?

The next question is what is a social “thing?” This needs to be more clearly defined. For example, it could be going to an organized event at a community center or a fitness class or book club—or all of those if your evenings are free.

In sum, being specific about the rate and the activity you want to participate in is crucial to success. Then you need to put it into play as soon as you can. Try it for a month and see how it is working. You may find it to be too easy or too hard or not what you thought it would be. But the key is not abandoning the goal, but refining it further to make it a workable part of your life.

Well I have to go—my goal is to incorporate at least one Pilates class into my fitness schedule at least once a week.

What’s yours?