As I am settling into my new practice in Seattle I am returning to one of my favorite topics--codependence--for a new group that meets twice a month in Mountlake Terrace, Washington.
When I first started working with clients on codependence I avoided using the word--I don't think I actually said it aloud for most of the first two years my groups met. Why? It is such a shopworn phrase that I felt it had lost most of its impact. I could not walk to a newsstand or turn on afternoon television without hearing how someone was codependent with someone else. But eventually, as I came to a true understanding of all its implications, I began to appreciate the word I had once avoided.
Codependence, broken down, is one of the few psycho-words I know of that is exactly what it sounds like. The first part, "co," is a prefix that indicates the work of two people. Co-authors write together, co-hostesses are both responsible for a party and co-pilots fly the friendly skies in tandem.
The other part of the word, "dependent," means (per Dictonary.com) "relying on someone or something else for aid, support." Children are dependents until they mature. The very old and the very sick are typically dependents too as they cannot take care of themselves. In those situations being dependent on another is normal.
But beyond those situations we have to be aware of the potential trap of being too reliant on anyone else or anyone being too reliant on us. Healthy relationships--with your lover, with your friend, with your boss or even your mother--are interdependent. They allow you to count on each other but still remain individuals. But when any relationship becomes too involved, feeling more like a duty or an obligation, we have to be mindful of the potential for an unhealthy reliance, based on fear instead of respect.
And that is what we do in my group—create a safe space to examine those relationships and decide if a relationship is codependent and remedies to make it healthier.
Click here for more information on how you can join my Building Healthy Relationships group.
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