Match.com's Deceptive Practices

I was running down Broadway to get to the office when I was stopped cold in my tracks by the headline--LAWSUIT: MATCH.COM IS THE HEARTBREAKER.

I had to read it and was so excited to see what it said; Sean McGinn of Brooklyn has sued Match.com for deceptive practices. Great move Sean...let's get a class action suit in the works!

I have been doing on-line dating workshops for years and one of my major points has been that a major part of most, if not all, dating sites business models is built around a deception. A majority of the people you see on-line are not actually there. They were members for a while and then quit. But little do most of them know that their profiles keep on surfing the endless wave of new members. Sure Match.com promises 15 million members, but they don't tell how many are active. Why? It's a lot smaller number.

Dating is about risk and rejection. So getting up the nerve and the money to put yourself out there is hard all by itself. Why should that be exacerbated by your wasting time and money (these sites run about $40 a month) writing notes to and winking at doppelgängers that are not there?

I was recently reminded of this by a personal encounter I had with Match's sister-site, Chemistry.com. I created a profile as I think the science behind their business is sound and I wanted to see how it worked for myself. A few weeks in I saw a friend of mine in my list of five daily prospects (this site does not have searchability; they "hand pick" five prospects for you). I called him and said, "hey, I saw your profile and you were one of my matches, isn't that funny?"

He had no idea what I was talking about.

He had logged on one night, created a profile and then decided not to join. He had not paid a penny but there he was, offered up to me as a candidate for dating and potential mating. What a sham.

So what is the workaround? Two ideas:

1. When you search, make sure you seek out those who have been active in the past 2 weeks, or at the most, past 30 days. That insures that at least, to some degree, the people you make a pass at are not past.

2. Get off the Internet. I am not anti-net but I am anti-excess. Too much of anything, including web-time, is bad. Go out into the world, get involved and talk to others. At least you know they are there.

Updates from Online Dating

I encourage my clients to use the new year to set goals and execute them. Since I practice the things I preach, I have three goals for the ninth year of the 21st century. One of them is to find a real live boyfriend to call my own.

So every morning I log into my dating site and review candidates that were "hand picked" by a piece of software. And this morning I think the software needs another cup of Joe.

Why? Read on dear friends, read on, as I quote directly from the three candidates profiles.

Bachelor number one has this to say about himself:

looking for a best friend and lover. someone to share all of lifes greatest highs and lows. someone who can be easy to talk to and see all sides to the story not just one side. someone open minded and loving... someone like me...

Oh my, he is one of those folks who thinks love is a cocoon from which one shields himself from the world. Please folks, don't make your "best friend" your lover as well. Make friends and keep them, regardless of if you are in love or not. Because if and when the lover pisses you off, you have somewhere to go and someone to talk to.

NEXT!

Candidate two is dangerous in his own special way.

I am successful in my career and recovering from a 7-year relationship that recently ended

STOP. That is all we need to know. Does "recently ended" mean a week ago or a year ago? And why is that in the first sentence out of his mouth? Rebound. I am not a Band-Aid for someone's scarred ego and bad choices.

NEXT!

This one is the classic. A formerly married man with children, half of his pictures are him with no shirt and/or dressed like a man 20 years less than his 44. And this is his spiel:

I "came out" in January 2004 and immediately found myself in a relationship with the wrong guy but within which I experienced many aspects (good and bad) of the "gay world" in warp speed.

Okay, so he rebounded from his wife into some relationship with a hottie who liked his paycheck, abs, or both. Now he is single and wants to transition. And to add insult to this injurous profile, he writes...

By all accounts, I am told I am good looking, intelligent and fun to be with.

He forgot modest. Please folks, let me decide if you are any of those things. As I told a date yesterday, intelligence is in the eye of the beholder. And while this guy my have an IQ of 110, his emotional IQ appears to be 12.

Dear readers, we don't want to be shields or bandages or transitional objects for others. We want to be friends, lovers, and partners. Be careful in your search. I am in mine.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved