The Black and White Situation of the Ground Zero Mosque

Laws = Black and White Thinking

There are very few black and white situations in the world, even though the human instinct is to make most, if not all, situations fit into a binary vision of the world.  

I'm a good person (or I am not)
I'm a failure (or I'm not)

These are common situations that upon closer examination have a variety of positions; one can be "good" in some settings and "bad" other places or a person can succeed at her career but not be able to make friends. Most situations in the modern world have a spectrum of options and interpretations, not just ON or OFF.  And one of the challenges thinking people face is to explore and examine the variety of possibilities in a given situation before making a decision.  

That said, there are situations that truly are ALL or NOTHING:

I'm pregnant (or I'm not)
She's dead (or alive)
I believe in the First Amendment (or I don't)

There is a case currently in the papers that is all or nothing in nature--religious freedom. We are either a haven for unencumbered religious diversity or we are not.  That is how principles work and the principle involved here, the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, is very clear.


"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

There are very few black and white situations in the world, even though the human instinct is to make most, if not all, situations fit into a binary vision of the world.  

I'm a good person (or I am not)
I'm a failure (or I'm not)

All of these are common situations that actually have a variety of positions; one can be "good" in some settings and "bad" elsewhere or a person can succeed at her career but not be able to make friends. Most situations in the modern world have a spectrum of options and interpretations, not just ON or OFF.  And one of the challenges thinking people face is to discover a situation's reality and examine a variety of options if they exist.  

That said, there are situations that truly are ON or OFF:

I'm pregnant (or I'm not)
She's dead (or alive)
I believe in the First Amendment (or I don't)

There is a case currently in the papers that is all or nothing in nature--religious freedom. We are either a haven for unencumbered religious diversity or we are not.  That is how principles work and the principle involved here, the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, is very clear:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

That's it folks. No footnotes. No exceptions. Congress cannot prohibit religion in the US. A group of Muslims want to build a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero. They have filed the proper paperwork and apparently have the wherewithal to pay for it. The issue seems pretty black and white to me. I hope the New York City council has the wisdom to stick to their guns and allow this project to take place. We live in a county that was founded on a basic set of principles. Let's not let Right Wing bullies like Palin and Ginggrich make us forget that very black and white principal upon which we are founded.
         
That's it folks. No footnotes. No exceptions. The law cannot prohibit the practice of religion in the United States. A group of Muslums want to build a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero. They have filed the proper paperwork and apparently have the wherewithal to pay for it. The issue seems pretty black and white to me--doing anything less would be in violation of one of the central principles this nation was founded on.

I hope the New York City council has the wisdom to stick to their guns and allow this project to take place. We live in a county that was founded on a basic set of principles. Let's not let Right Wing bullies like Palin and Gingrich make us forget that very black and white principal upon which we are founded.
         

When Do Instincts Work?

I was having lunch with a brilliant friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about how some people don’t trust their instincts.

Humans lived in small clans for hundreds of thousands of years. Over that time those who survived did so, to some extent, because of instinct. Instinct guided us through hard times and difficult situations. Anyone who is alive today has inherited a set of instincts that has the capacity to serve us well in certain circumstances.

Instinct is not always right however. A great deal of my work with clients and groups focuses on learning how to differentiate between instinct and accurate thinking. Our instincts have been honed over hundreds of thousands of years and the world has the potential to change in a day, or even a moment. Unlike squirrels or cows or cats, our greater intellectual capacity allows us to look beyond instinct and recognize cases where our desire has to be countered with clear thinking.

What are cases where instinct serves us well? Any ideas?

If you’d like some help deciding which instincts to trust, drop me a line. so we can set up a complimentary session. I love working with individuals who are ready to create change. in their lives. Often this can be done in just a few short sessions.--just email me at david@betterthanever.info

Our Michael Jackson Problem

Michael Jackson has passed as humans do. When I first heard it, from a client last Thursday evening, I had the feeling I always have when someone who was a marker in my life slips away. I felt sad thinking about hearing his songs and what they represented in my life—where I was, who I was with, perhaps even what I was thinking or feeling while one of his tunes played in the background.

I, and most other people, clearly have conflicted feelings about Mr. Jackson. He was African-American but distanced himself far from his people. He made enormous sums of money but was so in debt that he lost his home. Millions loved him but he appeared to be, for most of his life, isolated. He clearly struggled with his identity, converting himself physically and changing not only how he talked but his voice as well. And of course there were the allegations of sex with minors and his admission that sleeping with children was an expression of love. That said, he was an enormous talent. He was incredibly gifted, a one of a kind performer who brought so much joy to so many as long as his music was playing.

Many mourn around the world today and speak in platitudes about his being “the king of pop,” a title he was never granted in his lifetime. The Russians have built a monument to him. The Rev. Al Sharpton demanded a national day of mourning in his honor and tickets to today’s service were being scalped for $1,500 a piece. All for a man who had become, at least in this country, fodder for stand up comedians and a synonym for eccentricity or perversion.

Seeing this behavior makes me very sad. Not because he did not deserve praise but sad because it’s all too late. Many of the people who praise him now were, in a majority of cases, those that mocked him less than ten days ago. What is it in humans that allow this sort duality of thinking? Alive he was a despot and dead he has been granted the title he craved but was not given.

I wish we all could treat each other better.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

New Found Respect For George Bush?

While listening to the news, I had a revelation. I think the former president, G.W. Bush, was right about his presidency looking better in the long view.

My ephiphany began as I was walked to the snobbiest cafe in Brooklyn and listened to the daily broadcast of The Takeaway. The delightful Femi Oke reported some rather shocking news--that President Obama will soon issue a memo extending federal benefits to the same-sex partners of federal employees. What? Obama? Isn't he the guy who just, not five days ago, agreed to enforce DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act), saying that states are within their rights to deny legally married gay couples the extension of federal rights? Yes he is.

In an attempt to make everyone happy, Obama moved right, then banked left, and then stepped into the same position. Let's all study that dance step, called "The Middle Position," and then never do it. If we attempt to make everyone happy, in the long run we make no one happy at all.

How does this connect to the former president Bush? Rather you liked him or not, he stood by his word. He would have never particiapted in this sort of cha-cha-cha. He would have supported DOMA and completely ignored the partners of federal employees. He had a position and he stood by it. Unlike the "change president" who apparently thinks that spouting platatudes is a valid substitution for a point of view, however invalid it may be.

David Ezell will be answering the question "How Can I Change Someone I Love?" the Monday, June 22nd at 8 pm in midtown Manhattan. Want to attend? Click this link to join his Meet Up Group and get the details. Seats are limited...

Stoopid Cupid

We are a mere eight days from the darkest day of the year, at least for single folk, St. Valentine's Day.

And, as all holidays do, it reminds singletons that they are, in fact, not dating anyone. Owww! It is a discriminatory holiday as it focuses on being in love with someone else. Black and white thinking at its best--I either have a valentine or I don't. But unlike most cases in life this truly is BLACK or WHITE. Like being pregnant, you either are with a valentine or you aren't. Yuck.

What is it about holidays that makes us so sensitive? It's called an anniversary reaction (AR)--that is when holidays elicit an emotion or a reaction from us. ARs occur at a subconscious level and that is what makes people unaware of, or unwilling to acknowledge, their existence. On holidays we have a mental picture of where we should be and who we should be with. Don't believe me? Then play this simple Anniversary Reaction Game:

Close your eyes (wait, don't do that, you won't be able to continue reading)...okay, keep your eyes open and when you read the following, what is the first image that comes to mind?

FOURTH OF JULY

Did you see yourself outside, maybe watching fireworks or eating? For most of you, something like that happened. I am willing to bet that regardless of the activity, you were not alone. There were people around...right? Your whole life images of fun and fireworks have shaped your vision of what the 4th should be. And if that vision does not look life reality, it can be very disappointing.

Let's try it again:

THANKSGIVING

I am willing to bet my tiny apartment that you saw a Norman Rockwell painting or some variation thereunto. A group of people, a family, gathered around a big steaming mound of tofu or turkey or whatever your family, vegan or carnivore, consumes. So you get the idea; we have been culturally programed to believe we should be somewhere with some person, or group, on specific days.

So what to do? First, believe that you will have an AR on Valentines or other significant dates. When people come to me after the fact and tell me how depressed they were, I find that they were in denial that it could happen. Are you single and facing 14 February without a date? Get thee to a funnery. Find something fun to do and go do it. You don't have to spend a great deal or money or go stand in a bar by yourself...but go do something fun for you. It will help keep your AR at bay.

And second, use this time to think about what it is about this situation that needs to change. Use the promise of next year's VD (Valentine's Day--kind of ironic it has the same initials as the other VD) to set a goal for yourself. Valentine's Day 2010 I won't be single. Take the year to examine yourself and work on the parts of you that need to be fined tuned. Resolutions aren't just about 1 January. They can be applied wherever you see the need for change.

David Ezell will be having his annual Valentine's workshop for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual folk at the Jewish Community Center in Manhattan in a few weeks on Writing an Irresistible Online Profile. Regardless of if you are Jewish or not, this will be a great fun with a lot of hot single men and women.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Is Being Negative and Being Realistic the Same Thing?

I just skimmed the New York Times headlines for the week and saw that unemployment is at 7.2 per cent. Seeing that headline got me thinking...

Humans have a tendency to confuse negativism and realism. In my job as a life coach, I see it constantly. When clients tell me that they "had to get realistic" or "want to get real," I buckle my seat belt. I know that they are now going to tell me everything that is wrong in their lives; everything that did not work and everything they are convinced they cannot do.

That is not being real...that is simply being negative.

Realism involves the negative, but also the positive and everything in your universe that lies between those two positions. It involves giving yourself credit for the challenges tried, failures and your successes as well. Realism is acknowledging the fact that your abs are less than stellar, but your legs are amazing. It is knowing that many consider your voice whiny, but think that it is worth it to listen because of the quality of what you have to say.

Unemployment is 7.2 per cent. That is awful. But employment is 92.8 per cent. Sounds pretty good to me. I know, we measure unemployment. But isn't that what I am talking about? Only focusing on what we don't have, can't do, and struggle with is not realistic.

It's simply being negative.

Have a great day.

Resolve to Make Resolutions Work

I hear it from my clients, friends, even passing acquaintances, “I don’t do resolutions.”

Apparently resolutions have, over the years, gotten a bad wrap. My best guess is that comes from the fact that they are easy to create and awfully hard to execute.

So what to do? Well, instead of being black and white about them, I think figuring out a more moderate, reasonable approach is the way to make resolutions work.

How? State what your overall objective is and then, after some brain storming, set a specific, measureable goal that puts you closer to the bigger objective.

“What does one look like?” asks the lady in the back of the room.

Well let me give you an example by first showing what a bad resolution, the kind that gets abandoned after a few days or weeks, looks like.

I WILL DO MORE SOCIAL THINGS

Yeah, that is doomed for failure all right. What makes me say that? First, “more”; what does more mean? That has to be refined before you can go further. How many times a month, or even better, week, can you be expected to get out of the house?

The next question is what is a social “thing?” This needs to be more clearly defined. For example, it could be going to an organized event at a community center or a fitness class or book club—or all of those if your evenings are free.

In sum, being specific about the rate and the activity you want to participate in is crucial to success. Then you need to put it into play as soon as you can. Try it for a month and see how it is working. You may find it to be too easy or too hard or not what you thought it would be. But the key is not abandoning the goal, but refining it further to make it a workable part of your life.

Well I have to go—my goal is to incorporate at least one Pilates class into my fitness schedule at least once a week.

What’s yours?