Don't Tell Someone Something They Already Know

advice - solicitation = DANGER

There is a really lovely young woman at a business I frequent who has awful skin. I am not sure what exactly is going on--I luckily never had bad skin growing up. But in her case it is rather severe and I'm sure causes her a great deal of insecurity. 

We talk a lot as I see her most days and today I almost (stupidly) asked her what she was doing to treat her condition. 

Luckily, I did not. 

It's a human impulse, and a puritanical instinct, to want to "help" and I dealt with my thoughts in the appropriate fashion--I considered it and did not say a word. 

Take it from someone who gets paid to make observations about people--it's a tough business. We all live in the land of the mirror and I am sure she realizes her skin issues has social, as well as personal, implications. She may be actively suffering from it daily or may not care--I don't know and I'm not going to inquire. My reaction to her face is my issue--not hers. I kept my mouth shut. If she wants advice, opinions or strategies on skin care I will do all I can to help. But she a'int asking so I'm not telling. 

The next time you have a similar desire to talk to someone about their weight, or their girlfriend, or their finances, ask yourself "do they know this already?" If the answer is "yes," or even "probably," I suggest you keep your mouth shut.

Not that you asked my opinion..... :)

When Do Instincts Work?

I was having lunch with a brilliant friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about how some people don’t trust their instincts.

Humans lived in small clans for hundreds of thousands of years. Over that time those who survived did so, to some extent, because of instinct. Instinct guided us through hard times and difficult situations. Anyone who is alive today has inherited a set of instincts that has the capacity to serve us well in certain circumstances.

Instinct is not always right however. A great deal of my work with clients and groups focuses on learning how to differentiate between instinct and accurate thinking. Our instincts have been honed over hundreds of thousands of years and the world has the potential to change in a day, or even a moment. Unlike squirrels or cows or cats, our greater intellectual capacity allows us to look beyond instinct and recognize cases where our desire has to be countered with clear thinking.

What are cases where instinct serves us well? Any ideas?

If you’d like some help deciding which instincts to trust, drop me a line. so we can set up a complimentary session. I love working with individuals who are ready to create change. in their lives. Often this can be done in just a few short sessions.--just email me at david@betterthanever.info

Statistics and Real Life

The first time I bowled--I mean the very first time--I got a strike. I was desperate for a PE credit to graduate and every Tuesday morning at 8 (!) am I went to the local arcade de bowling to earn that final credit. And the first time I picked up a ball--WHAM--a strike.

What may one infer from that about my performance as a bowler based on that fact? Absolutely nothing. The reason is that the number of times I had bowled, what statisticians call the "N," the number of times I tried it, is far too low. And that makes sense. Beginner's luck could be the cause, or a high degree of natural skill or some other unforeseen factor.

Why am I talking about stats? Because statistics is the most scientific, systematic way to understand our lives. We need to try something more than once to see if whatever it is--dating someone new, public speaking, culottes--works for us. And most of the time that is not what I see when I speak to clients about change.

"I met her and within 15 minutes I had decided she was not into me"

"Once I started speaking they looked bored and I knew I was not doing a good job. I am never gonna go to Toastmasters again."

"I knew right away that I looked awful in culottes. People were staring at me!"

These are the sort of things I hear over and over. Making a life changing move--dating, trying something you are scared of, even wearing something you don't normally wear--is a change. And we humans don't do change well. So we jump to conclusions or we mind read or we predict the future based on a single moment. Not the greatest way to think about your life folks.

Try something, or someone, more than once. Be open to new ideas and concepts. And pay careful attention to the results. You might find that as your N increases you will gain more information that helps you get a more accurate picture of how your date, your speech, your new clothes, truly worked for you.

BTW, I never got another strike. And believe me, I had a large N by the time the semester had ended.

Have a great day!