I have been working with a client for quite some time on a variety of issues. One of the primary ones is his family--a distant narcissistic father, a mother in denial about the problems their family have and a sister who is very angry and self righteous.
Every now and then the sister will contact him and make a few rude remarks to get him going. He reacts and BAM they are off to the races with ugly words and hurt feelings. He always emerges angry, not only at her but at himself for taking the bait. "What can I do to make her stop?" he asked me.
My solution is simple. He can't control her but he can control him. I suggested he stop taking the bait. When she, or anyone for that matter, provokes him he needs to act as if she had said something different. The concept, cheerful and stupid, will be quite familiar to listeners of the New York radio institution Dr. Joy Browne.
With cheerful and stupid one behaves as if he hears sweet words he agrees with as opposed to triggers for a fight.
How did it work with my guy? Great so far. He got a text message around Christmas saying (this is a direct quote from his phone with his permission):
Though you have chosen not to talk to us anymore, i (sic) truly wish you a Merry Christmas. I hate you are missing out on Susie (his niece, not the real name). She is truly a blessing.
Well he got this and almost lashed out, telling her how she was the cause of so much of his anger and disappointment. But then he remembered his new mantra--stupid and cheerful.
He waited a while and replied:
Sounds like you are doing a great job with her! Merry Christmas to you all!
Wonderful job. He stepped over the booby trap and focused on the benign. What did she do? Not reply. How can you fight with a comment like that?
Look for times when being stupid and cheerful will work for you. It really will set you free.
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