An Example from Starbucks of How to NOT Get What You Want

 (requests) + (incentives) = results

I was going through my email today and got a request from Starbucks (edited for space considerations):

Dear David,

Thank you for being a Starbucks customer. As a customer, you canprovide a unique perspective on the products we offer. We would like you to participate in a brief survey about your away-from-home preferences for coffee, espresso and tea beverages, last occasion at Starbucks and interest in select special offers from Starbucks.

We know how busy you are, and with that in mind we have structured the survey to take no more than 5 minutes of your time. When you are ready to start, please go to the survey by either clicking on the link or copying and pasting the address into your browser.

Thanks for being a Starbucks customer, and we look forward to serving you in our stores!

Warm regards,

The Beverage Team

Starbucks Coffee Company

What's wrong here? No reward, no incentive for me to comply. Why in the world would I take five minutes of my time to give one of the wealthiest multi-national companies in the world my information with no compensation? For a second I thought they were going to give me a reason (We know how busy you are....) but what was missing was the second half of that sentence (created, obviously, by moi):

and to thank-you for your time and assistance, we will give you a code for a free drink of your choice in any or our stores.

But that carrot was not there so I hit the delete button and moved on. All stick does not work for me, and doesn't for most people.

Want results? Give someone a reason to act. Otherwise, they will probably hit delete too.

You Can't Have a Tug of War if You Put Down the Rope

(attacks) - (negative responses) = stupid and cheerful

I am becoming increasingly involved in on-line discussions about the myriad topics I address in my blog. I recently posted my blog about money and happiness on a "professional" discussion group to get opinions from others. I did get a number of thoughtful responses and some interesting pointers to follow up on. Then the next morning I found this in my inbox:

What a stupid question. With respect, you cannot seriously expect any therapist to agree with the proposition that increased income correlates with increased happiness...

 

Wow, what a nice way to start the day. I was ticked off at her tone and did what humans tend to do when attacked, I wanted to attack back. Then I calmed myself with a little square breathing and remembered that I should never write anything negative down (at least when it will be seen by anyone else).

So I wrote this reply:

Thanks for the "respectful" reply Sue [not her real name].

I did not suggest therapists were the target audience of my post. Read the first sentence. It is in response to a post on an unsigned career blog I recently read.

And I do not think this is an uncommon belief, that is why I wrote about it. I would venture to say that many of your clients are under the impression that a little more money would set them free. I know that here in one of the world's commerce capitols, almost all of mine do.

How did I do? That was after several heated attempts to remove the anger I felt. I would give myself a SIX on a scale of one to ten. I could have been a lot better. The main issue is the passive aggressive way I used the word respectful. But I was still angry and she had the gall to write "with respect," when there was absolutely no respect in her post...

So a few minutes later I asked her to join my network of friends:

Dear Sue,

I appreciate your thoughtful response to my blog post. I'd like to have you in my network of associates.

Happy November,

David Ezell

Much better, no? I'd give that a solid EIGHT, perhaps a NINE.

Dear readers, arguments and fights only erupt when we choose to play. We can control our response. As you can see, it is hard, but we can do it. Just breathe, use your brain and put down the rope.

What Can You Do to Make Hard Talks Softer?

 (problems) + (communication) = solutions

It happens so frequently. Your feelings are hurt. Or there is not enough sex in your relationship. Or there is too much. Or the dishes are stacking up and you are tired of washing them. Or you just aren't feeling "it" anymore...

What to do? You have a choice:

CHOICE A: Hold it all in and wait to have an emotional outburst, or a heart attack. Your lover should be able to read your mind, right?

CHOICE B: Open your mouth and say what is on your mind.

Guess which option I favor?

But how do you talk about situations and problems that are sensitive or difficult?

Here are a few tips for having a conversation about anything hard as concrete feel a little more like marshmallows:

1. Don't tell him a few days ahead that, "we need to talk." Keep thy mouth closed until you are ready to talk. Once you say that phrase the talk has begun.

2. Talk during the day, not at night. Both of you will be tired and defensive. Saturday at noon is far superior to Saturday at midnight. Make an appointment to hang out and talk during that time.

3. Don't talk at home with the two of you alone. Take him for a walk outside or at the mall so the issue, no matter how sensitive, can be controlled.

3. If you are talking to a man, don't stare into his eyes. For most women that equals honesty. For men that frequently feels like confrontation.

4. Don't hem and haw. State your question and see what he says...

Do you have any other ideas on how to make "hard" talk softer? I'd love to hear them....