You Can't Have a Tug of War if You Put Down the Rope

(attacks) - (negative responses) = stupid and cheerful

I am becoming increasingly involved in on-line discussions about the myriad topics I address in my blog. I recently posted my blog about money and happiness on a "professional" discussion group to get opinions from others. I did get a number of thoughtful responses and some interesting pointers to follow up on. Then the next morning I found this in my inbox:

What a stupid question. With respect, you cannot seriously expect any therapist to agree with the proposition that increased income correlates with increased happiness...

 

Wow, what a nice way to start the day. I was ticked off at her tone and did what humans tend to do when attacked, I wanted to attack back. Then I calmed myself with a little square breathing and remembered that I should never write anything negative down (at least when it will be seen by anyone else).

So I wrote this reply:

Thanks for the "respectful" reply Sue [not her real name].

I did not suggest therapists were the target audience of my post. Read the first sentence. It is in response to a post on an unsigned career blog I recently read.

And I do not think this is an uncommon belief, that is why I wrote about it. I would venture to say that many of your clients are under the impression that a little more money would set them free. I know that here in one of the world's commerce capitols, almost all of mine do.

How did I do? That was after several heated attempts to remove the anger I felt. I would give myself a SIX on a scale of one to ten. I could have been a lot better. The main issue is the passive aggressive way I used the word respectful. But I was still angry and she had the gall to write "with respect," when there was absolutely no respect in her post...

So a few minutes later I asked her to join my network of friends:

Dear Sue,

I appreciate your thoughtful response to my blog post. I'd like to have you in my network of associates.

Happy November,

David Ezell

Much better, no? I'd give that a solid EIGHT, perhaps a NINE.

Dear readers, arguments and fights only erupt when we choose to play. We can control our response. As you can see, it is hard, but we can do it. Just breathe, use your brain and put down the rope.

The Smart Thing About Being Stupid

I have been working with a client for quite some time on a variety of issues. One of the primary ones is his family--a distant narcissistic father, a mother in denial about the problems their family have and a sister who is very angry and self righteous.

Every now and then the sister will contact him and make a few rude remarks to get him going. He reacts and BAM they are off to the races with ugly words and hurt feelings. He always emerges angry, not only at her but at himself for taking the bait. "What can I do to make her stop?" he asked me.

My solution is simple. He can't control her but he can control him. I suggested he stop taking the bait. When she, or anyone for that matter, provokes him he needs to act as if she had said something different. The concept, cheerful and stupid, will be quite familiar to listeners of the New York radio institution Dr. Joy Browne.

With cheerful and stupid one behaves as if he hears sweet words he agrees with as opposed to triggers for a fight.

How did it work with my guy? Great so far. He got a text message around Christmas saying (this is a direct quote from his phone with his permission):

Though you have chosen not to talk to us anymore, i (sic) truly wish you a Merry Christmas. I hate you are missing out on Susie (his niece, not the real name). She is truly a blessing.

Well he got this and almost lashed out, telling her how she was the cause of so much of his anger and disappointment. But then he remembered his new mantra--stupid and cheerful.

He waited a while and replied:

Sounds like you are doing a great job with her! Merry Christmas to you all!

Wonderful job. He stepped over the booby trap and focused on the benign. What did she do? Not reply. How can you fight with a comment like that?

Look for times when being stupid and cheerful will work for you. It really will set you free.