Bradley Manning's Gender Identity Struggle

This morning Bradley Manning's attorney read a statement on the Today show saying that his client, recently sentenced to 35 years for leaking material to Wikileaks, wants to start living his life as a woman.

As I heard the news I was floored and, I have to admit, a tad skeptical.  I am honored to work with the trans community (not to mention all sorts of others, hetero and gay as well) and am defensive of those who would ridicule these brave folk, so that is my knee jerk impulse--to question this announcement. I don't know Mr. Manning and can't vouch for his integrity but I can only hope this is not a plea for publicity. The struggles of the trans community are so varied, deep and enduring that they cannot afford an opportunist seeking attention.

Chelsea Manning

That said, does this young man need any more publicity? He is known around the world for his actions, with some wanting to award him the Nobel Peace Prize and others demanding his execution.

I then did some reading and found Manning has struggled with the issue of his gender for some time and that it was discussed in his trial. I was not aware of this because of the lack of coverage of his trial in the mainstream. But once I found out he has previously been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder (GID)--literally having the brain of one sex in the body of another--I was relieved and felt tremendous sympathy for her. 

From here on I am going to refer to Mr. Manning as Ms. Manning, as I would with anyone else who told me they wanted to transition. Who am I to tell her, or anyone, who they really are?

As I tell my clients--from the heterosexual teenager with family issues to the housewife struggling with anxious thoughts to the woman in her eighties who wants a divorce after sixty years of marriage--you are an expert on yourself. I will never know who you are better than yourself.

The world is so hard for the most mainstream of people and it is even harder every step one takes away from the norm. So I wish Chelsea Manning well and hope she is afforded the medical and legal accommodations that allow her to be who she really is.

Make a Vow to Have a Good Time

attention + passion = lubrication


I just spoke to a man who came up to me and, after confirming that I am a relationship coach and therapist, asked me what sort of lube he could use on his wife who has, as he put it, "lubrication issues."

I asked when was the last time they had been on a date. He paused, looked at me and said, "years..." And then he started explaining to me all the reasons why they never go out and how they are both "busy." I wanted to ask him to stop as I had heard that song before.

Folks, romance has to be relationship-long. Dating doesn't stop when you say "baby let's move in" or even when you say "I do"--assuming you have been granted the legal ability to do so. Make time for each other, date, buy flowers, talk, enjoy each other--date after you make vows.

Some flowers, candles and a thoughtful exchange will solve a majority of the challenges currently being addressed by the KY line of products. Trust me...

"We All Pay for Sex"

Woody Allen pithily made that remark years ago and the minute I heard it I knew it was true. We all pay for access to the mate we want, regardless of if that pay comes in roses (or "roses"), hours at the gym, an expensive haircut or a job that pays big bucks.

Based on a discovery earlier this week, it seems science has confirmed the fact that this has always been the case. Anthropologists have discovered a possible human ancestor that, if their hypothesis holds, is our oldest identified relative.

One of the things that sets this female, nick-named Ardi, from other homonids is the size of her canine teeth. They are small, like ours, which is quite different from our ape cousins who used big teeth for fighting. The theory is that smaller teeth indicates there was not a need to fight to get what they wanted. Through evolution they lost the large canines in favor of the ability to barter.

"So females are picking males that are using some other technique to obtain reproductive success, and that technique is probably exchanging food for copulation," Frank Lovejoy, one the leaders of the team who found her, said.

So the Woodman was right...and like any truth, it holds up 6 million years ago, as it does today.

(Woody Allen) + (Charles Darwin) x (Behavioral Psychology) + (Ardi) = we all pay for sex

How Fast is Too Fast?

When it comes to matters of dating and love, how fast is too fast?

You had a great date with some guy or girl who feels exactly the same way. You feel such a connection--how could someone fit you the way he/she does? You feel the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are, how delighted that it went so well. And then it dawns on you, hey, I'm gonna ask him/her out to lunch tomorrow. And then see if he/she wants to go to the game on Friday (I can tell my best friend we'll go another time). And then of course, Saturday will be our one-week anniversary, we can't miss that. Maybe a romantic dinner at that little spot on 4th Avenue. I usually save it for somebody I have been dating for a while, but it feels like we have been together forever...

Sound familar? Hopefully, if you are an adult of a certain age, you have felt this way about another person at least a few times in your life. It feels great and if it feels great, then you want more of it, right?

No, you don't.

Why? Because of another phenomenon you have heard of--too much too soon. If feels fantastic, you are so connected, and then just as quickly as it rose, it fell.

So what to do? How do you keep that fabulous ball bouncing? Slow down. Act counter to the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are that you met on that subway or on-line. What if I had not logged on that night? We may never have met.... Take it easy partner. If it is great now, and you want it to be great later, don't call and write and nudge and wink and post and text. Leave a little space between the two of you and and see where things go. It has only been a week, or two weeks, or two months. It is hard to find someone to love. And it seems you are on the right path. But don't allow it to wither by not letting it have any light. Like the tender buds of May, a relationship needs light and air, along with a touch of TLC, to grow.

Happy Friday.