Why Doesn't Supernanny Spank Those Rotten Kids?

(structure) + (love) + (praise) + (consistency) + (communication) = happy families

Over the years, either via Hulu or during a late-night workout,  I have seen ABC's program, Supernanny, on several occasions. It is a little one-note for me, with the same premise week after week but the ratings blockbuster keeps on rolling along (like so many others...).

For those of you who have not seen it, here is the outline of most, if not every, episode:

Jo, the titular character, is invited into some poor schmo's house that is overrun with awful kids. The children are everything adults dread--loud, ill-mannered, disrespectful, indolent. Jo observes, has a few meetings with the parents on a new behavioral method and then that method is applied. The kids raise hell, the parents almost waffle and then, in the end, Jo's method works! Another family saved.

Supernanny is a money machine with an apparently endless supply of bad families who need some nannizing. And Americans seem to love it as they watch those snotty unappreciative brats get their comeuppance from Ms. Jo.

So a question; why doesn't the nanny, a guru to millions of child beating Americans, ever spank those brats? After all, doesn't spanking work?

Could it be that she is a foreigner with snooty ways? Possibly but probably not. Is it because she is a socialist? No, but nice try.

The reason is that spanking does not work. Hitting a child to produce good behavior has never worked and it never will. I know, you were spanked. That is called anecdotal evidence and does not prove anything. Striking a child does nothing but make them sneakier and a bit afraid of the person who is, ironically, supposed to be protecting them.

Next time you watch Supernanny, look at the method she applies. She creates systems with incentives and focuses on praising and rewarding good behavior. And week after week after misbehaving week, her approach works.

Catch your kids doing something good. It will go a great deal farther and eventually create a better relationship between the two of you as well.

Children Aren't Stupid--Are They?

(families) + (anxiety) = anxious children

I am surprised/shocked/stunned on a regular basis by parents who don't think their children are not aware of problems in their family.

"Oh he's just a baby" or "She's only four, she can't know" are common statements from parents and completely wrong. Children do not lose IQ points after birth; to the contrary, their ability to understand the world grows each day. From their brith infants are sponges that absorb, and retain, the intellectual and emotional information that surrounds them. As they used to say in the early days of IBM, "bad data in equals bad data out." If your child absorbs "bad data" from unhappy parents and other care takers, the results will most likely be far from ideal.

Parenting is very hard and the human desire to rationalize is strong. That said, families have to be aware that stress in caretakers is transmitted to the infants, toddlers and children within the family.

Read here to see more on prenatal anxiety. And work on managing your stress and keeping great relations with your family...you, and your children, will benefit.

The Clarity of Distance

(difficult relations) + (long distances)  = better relations

In speaking with a friend about my relationship with a relative I don’t like, my words prompted her to breathe a sigh of relief. “That makes me feel so much better about how I feel about Cindy,” she replied. Cindy, a relative of hers, is not her favorite person. But because of cultural conventions, she felt the need to pretend her feelings are bad and tell herself that she should be ashamed for feeling how she does about blood kin.

That is not too surprising--most cultures, if not all, tell their people they have to love their parents, brothers, sisters and any other blood relations, at all costs. That is not true. It would be nice if was and many times it happily is. But many times it 's not. And that falsehood, that we have to love someone because of DNA, leads to thoughts of "should" and "ought," which in turn ferment into guilt and a sense of failure.

I don’t believe this myth of familial love is natural—and there does not seem to be any evidence to indicate it is. I think the concept arose out of necessity. Like many taboos, this one has a function, not unlike the rules against incest. We have, for hundreds of thousands of years, lived in small clans and within those groups clear understandings of family insured cohesiveness. In that situation everyone you live with is a relation—figuratively your brother or sister. Having a level of investment in each member is more likely to insure you will have the other's back when a saber toothed tiger shows up for a meal. In that system disharmony equaled death.

One of the side effects of modern society is that the need to give undying support to your family is, in many cases, less important than it was at any other time. In the modern world people can, and often do, leave the place they were born, something that has never occurred outside of a few glaring exceptions (think The Crusades or marching with Alexander the Great). One of my best friends lives over 3,000 miles from our place of birth and according to Google maps, I am over 900 miles away as well. I have a client who is in the exact opposite place on the globe from where he was born—how much farther can one get?

The ability to leave has the potential to do many things One of them is to give us clarity about relationships, by blood or otherwise, that need to be better understood. When everyone is clumped together, there is a high incentive to play nice and get along, or at least pretend you do. Distance allows us to see, not unlike the far-sighted person reading a book at arms length. In being removed from circumstances we are allowed to see our loved ones, and not so loved ones, for who they are. Consequently we may be able to recognize heroes we never noticed and sometimes recognize bullies who seemed to be dear friends.

This scary concept flies in the face of conventional logic. But many times ideas that are challenging seem that way because they have, at least to some degree, an element of truth. If you get along with all your family members, count thyself lucky. If you don’t, you are not alone.

The Smart Thing About Being Stupid

I have been working with a client for quite some time on a variety of issues. One of the primary ones is his family--a distant narcissistic father, a mother in denial about the problems their family have and a sister who is very angry and self righteous.

Every now and then the sister will contact him and make a few rude remarks to get him going. He reacts and BAM they are off to the races with ugly words and hurt feelings. He always emerges angry, not only at her but at himself for taking the bait. "What can I do to make her stop?" he asked me.

My solution is simple. He can't control her but he can control him. I suggested he stop taking the bait. When she, or anyone for that matter, provokes him he needs to act as if she had said something different. The concept, cheerful and stupid, will be quite familiar to listeners of the New York radio institution Dr. Joy Browne.

With cheerful and stupid one behaves as if he hears sweet words he agrees with as opposed to triggers for a fight.

How did it work with my guy? Great so far. He got a text message around Christmas saying (this is a direct quote from his phone with his permission):

Though you have chosen not to talk to us anymore, i (sic) truly wish you a Merry Christmas. I hate you are missing out on Susie (his niece, not the real name). She is truly a blessing.

Well he got this and almost lashed out, telling her how she was the cause of so much of his anger and disappointment. But then he remembered his new mantra--stupid and cheerful.

He waited a while and replied:

Sounds like you are doing a great job with her! Merry Christmas to you all!

Wonderful job. He stepped over the booby trap and focused on the benign. What did she do? Not reply. How can you fight with a comment like that?

Look for times when being stupid and cheerful will work for you. It really will set you free.