Episode Two of the Weighting is Live!

How is David handling being back on the plan? Tune in now to see!

Hi Folks — I’m super pumped that episode two of my new podcast, The Weighting, is live across iTunes, SoundCloud and Stitcher. 

My New Podcast Has Dropped!

The Weighting has begun…a weekly podcast as I work to lose the final 20 of 101 pounds. 

After more work than I imagined, and the help of a wonderful producer and dear friends, my podcast, The Weighting, is live on iTunes, Google Play and SoundCloud and more. 

If you are interested in following me on my journey to see if I can lose my 101st pound by Independence Day click and subscribe. I’ll be talking to smart people about exercise, fitness, psychology and nutrition. And I’ll be talking to you about how to set goals for yourself and turn your wishes into realities. 

Here’s some links to the first two episodes; please subscribe, listen and rate us so others can hear about one man’s story of setting and meeting goals one pound at a time. 

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weighting/id1386717204

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/avidzell/the-weighting-episode-1

Losing Twelve Pounds the Hard Way

Over the past few weeks I found out my diagnostic skills, at least on myself, need a little work. An overlooked appendix almost killed me and made me more grateful than ever for becoming fit later in life. 

A few weeks ago, after a full day of work, gym and even a date (during which I felt zero pain—hormones are amazing), I decided to admit myself to an emergency room in Midtown Manhattan for what I thought was “food poisoning.” Since about 3 PM I had been having bouts of extreme pain around my abdomen, something that had happened a few times across the past six months. At 10:30 I had had enough and made myself get dressed and head to a local ER. Almost from the start, the intern thought it was my appendix. I told him “no, no, I have ruled out appendicitis.” A few CAT scans and a lot of moaning later, I got the word—I was not going home—I had to have an appendectomy STAT. About 18 hours later I was consulting with a surgeon and a few hours after that awoke to find myself one bloated appendix lighter. 

Very few of my clients ever follow my orders for care, and as a result I am an ideal patient. Despite my rigid adherence to all of my recovery rules,  the past few weeks afterwords have been up and down. I will have a good day or two, hop back into work and then hit a wall. My recovery is slower than I would like but it sure beats the alternative. So my workouts, with the exception of a few runs and a modified weight routine, are not taking place. So much for a six pack by my birthday. 

Happily, my weight has stabilized and actually declined over the past month. I weighed myself the morning of January 8th and was 220 pounds. I had a heavy weight day and running the day before and weight lifting typically increases my body weight the day after a hard workout. That night I was admitted to the ER and missed my 5 am weigh-ins until the 12th, four days later. I had been weighing myself daily for so long I did not know what to expect when I hit the scales that Friday. My weight was up—223.6. 

An M.D. friend of mine had told me that I would see a rapid decline in weight as my recovery continued and he was right. For most of the next week I lost at least a pound and sometimes two pounds a day. Not working out, consuming 1900 calories and 200+ grams of protein daily but the weight dropped and dropped even more. I had a few workout days and those are the days you see weight increases. But on the whole the past thirty days has been amazing, with my weight on February 3rd (212.6) being the lightest weight I have ever been.  

If you look at the chart, you can see I was actually the 

lightest I have ever been as an adult on February 3rd

Thursday morning before I left the hospital, one of the residents was looking at my incisions and was amazed at how well I was doing. He praised me, say that the only reason my recovery was so rapid was that I came to the hospital in “tip-top shape.” Those words have been echoing in my head ever sense—tip-top shape. It’s hard for a former fatty to digest the idea (pun intended) that I am no longer who I have been my entire life. Despite the amazing daily weigh-ins and the slim-fitted suits and the “likes” and “winks” I get on dating apps, a part of me still sees a fat guy where one used to be. That resident’s comment, said in passing as he continued his rounds, gave me one more reason to stay the course. 

Being in control of my eating puts me in control of my life. 

David Ezell is a life coach and therapist, with clients in Connecticut, New York and around the world via the Internet. If you want to make a change for the best, make an appointment for a consultation by writing him at Info@DavidEzell.com or calling 347.302.2585. 

Being ON is Just as Important as Being OFF

My first trip abroad has been a massive challenge to my ability to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am really ready to resume my fairly tedious dietary life. 

Yesterday in London was awesome for me. Why? I found a gym that had the basics I needed and did a double workout. I really craved the neural release that comes with being connected to my body, and loved the sense of normal that comes with exercise. 

I was also benefitting from the confidence that comes with reestablishing a handle on my nutrition. After loading up Saturday at Holland & Barrett, I packed my bag with 2100 calories and 200 grams of protein, while also factoring in a half a piece of fish and some chips (I am in London after all). 

The gym, Nuffield Health in Covent Gardens was a labyrinth, as so many city gyms are, stairs down and more stairs down and then stairs up and around to the changing room and gym floor. The staff was nice but the facility was so-so — not enough variety in equipment, no wifi — but it was clean and I was able to hobble together a kick-ass workout and then got in a full 2.5 mile run as well. I then ate a bit and ran around London. When I got back to my hotel room I looked in my food bag and was amazed — I had over 1000 calories I had no consumed. It seems my body clock was still off causing my under-eating. I was going to dinner at the London Playboy Club so at least I had plenty of room to explore. 

At the Club, I had an amazing meal and hands down the best Caesar salad I have ever had. The meal was primarily meat to keep my protein up, but I still had to eat some more when I got back to keep my numbers in place. 

And then today I made a major discovery — London takes Christmas very seriously. The tube shuts down, regional trains are closed, Victoria Station is sealed shut. I was going to store my bags at Victoria, grab a workout and then take a long self-guided walking tour before my flight. Luggage storage was all closed. No gyms are open, at least that I could find. So I walked 1.5 miles to an open Pret with my luggage and decided to wave the white flag. A $100+ Uber ride got me to the airport as it was that or a 2 1/2 hour bus ride with hundreds of other puzzled travelers. 

So here i sit fairly late into the day and I still have a 9 hour flight ahead of me. So my day is going to be….

The above sentence is unfinished because my flight was called and I slid into business class, watched movies, played games and came to a realization: time off means time off from scrutinizing my diet and recording every morsel. I started thinking about the professional athlete I have worked with for years — I know he takes time off from his training and nutrition, he has talked to me about it many times. I started thinking about the coach of another big sport who has mentioned the importance time off plays in training for himself and his players. And I thought about basketball, baseball, football — all have seasons where players are on and equally off. 

So that my friends, is the end of me attempting to control my diet when I am away. That said, healthy eating is contagious (just like unhealthy eating I suppose). Me “cheating” means using butter on a piece of bread or eating an extra protein bar, not downing a pint of ice cream or getting drunk and binging. So letting my hair down is not that big a deal based on who I am in 2017. 

And the result of the overeating and under-eating and no gym? I weighed in at 5:30 EST — very nervous might I might add — and I gained a whopping 2.2 pounds while I was away. Big deal. All that worry for a 34-ounce gain. 

So what now? Back to it folks. I know what happens when I don’t exercise and eat well — I get fat, out of shape and depressed. So the choice is clear and I’m going back to what I did to lose all that weight and keep it off. After all, I’ve still got major goals ahead!  

Happy Boxing Day to you all — see you in the gym.

Of Pounds and Pounds

Oh the challenges of staying healthy on a transatlantic trip

One of the great things (maybe the best thing?) about traveling is the insight I get into who I really am. Who I am out of my constructed world where I have so much control. Lying in the early AM of my third day in England I came to the conclusion about why being in control of my body is such a gift. It is the control itself. For so much of my life I was completely out of control with regard to food. But now I finally, FINALLY get it and the past 48 hours has reminded me of why I treasure it so, in that it has been impossible to maintain. 

I had pretty grand ideas about my dash over to the UK, imaging that I would hop off the plane and resume my normal day. Theory and practice have crashed into each other, as is quite often the case. 

It started off as I image, and despite the large time difference I actually had no trouble falling asleep when I got to my hotel, even though it was 6 pm EST when I went to bed. I actually slept past my regular wake up time and got up around 5:45 GMT. I looked at the hotel menu and decided beans on toast was not going to help me reach my protein goals, so I headed to the local Starbucks hoping to find cuisine more relatable to my objectives—1900 calories and 200 grams of protein. 

I found the place easy enough and ordered my Americano just like I like it. But the food failed to meet neither my palate nor my caloric demands. I have never really cared for sausage and it seems sausage is a basic building block for so many dishes, in and out of Starbucks. The other challenge was the UK nutritional labelling system, which is dramatically different than the flawed system I at least understand back in the US (luckily my gold card helped me with the pounds and pence issue I faced prior to my first sip of caffeine). 

The EU nutrition labelling is a little much for my provincial brain. Based on what I can tell it helps one compare different foods based on the same metric, but outside of that I am still flummoxed by the entire thing. Sometimes I think I get it—a small yogurt appears to have 133 calories (seemingly low, even for about 6 ounces) but I’m recording it that way. But other things have clearly been far outside of what I know to be correct (I could not make heads or tails out of the information on sliced turkey) so I am just going with my what it would be in the US.

Another  on-going issue causing concerns is my continued inability to fully recover from jet lag, which continues to effect my energy. When we are short on energy one of the things our bodies does is to look for other energy sources—like food. I’m not making bad food choices but the increasing need for food combined with the ability to accurately record my food makes me unhappy. 

Yesterday, between the Victoria & Albert (about what I thought it would be) and seeing Witness for the Prosecution (worse than hoped for but then increasingly better in the second act) I went to the GNC website to find someone, anyone. who could help me better understand the EU nutrition information and sell me some protein bars and shakes to get me back on track. Healthy nutrition is so easy to find in the US but no so much here. Eventually a store called Holland & Barrett delivered the sort of supplemental bars and drinks I needed to get back on course. 

I’m about to head out to find a Starbucks open at 6 AM on Christmas Eve, eat from my pre-packed bag of protein and go to the gym. Then I”m going to a classic pantomime, leave that early to have a A Christmas Carol walking tour and then ask the tour guide for a tip on great fish and chips, where I have budgeted half a piece of fish and a small fry. And to conclude my awesome Christmas Eve in London, high tea at the last Playboy Club in the world, located in Mayfair. Check my Twitter feed @DavidEzell for a pic of me and a bunny sipping a toast to Mr. Hefner. 

The Downside of Being a Mammal

Just like squirrels, bears and cows, we slow down when the temperatures drop. Slower achievement can make us feel like changes aren’t occurring, even if they are. Feelings are not facts. 

I diligently (some would say obsessively) weigh myself every morning at 5 AM. That data has given me a great deal of insight into what works and what does not with regard to my fitness, training and diet. It also helps me make accurate predictions about my progress. Most of the time I can predict how much loss will occur with pretty surprising accuracy, especially considering my compromised numeric skills. 

Keeping that in mind, I have noted a rather disappointing trend in that my weight loss has plateaued despite my moderately good (I hesitate to call them “best”) efforts at being disciplined. You see, I put on a good show with regard to weighing myself, recording my food and going to the gym. But I’m a tad bit of a fraud. How? Well, despite my preaching the gospel of writing EVERYTHING down that I eat and drink, there are a few indulgences that typically don’t effect my long-term goals. 

For example, I don’t record the skim milk calories in my coffee, typically I use between 6–9 ounces a day. Another allowance I give myself is pickles and watermelon. If I am hitting the wall with regard to macros and I still need a nosh to get me through, pickles and/or watermelon are my defaults. On long days with a small amount of calories I will go between one or the other based on the needs of my palate and what I think will satiate me. Up until now this has worked; but as it gets colder and I move less frequently and more slowly, my numbers are alarmingly static so every calorie is suspect. 

I’ve been told most bears don’t truly hibernate,

 they sleep for long periods called “torpor.” 

(photo courtesy of fun-with-pictures.com) 

Humans are animals, mammals by vertebrate class, and mammals slow down (and in some cases totally stop) when the temperatures drop. Humans are not immune to that process and I am feeling the effects of shorter days, longer nights and frosty mornings as I make my way to the gym. As a result my march towards losing 101 pounds is more like a saunter in December.

I feel like the weight is not coming off to my liking. But when I study the facts I am reminded of one of the central tenants of cognitive behavioral theory — feelings are not facts. Just because I feel something is true does not mean it is. Keeping that in mind, let’s examine the facts. 

During this time of year most people gain weight — on average about a thirteen pound weight gain starting in October (per a study done by Cornell University). Not only have I not gained any weight, I’ve dropped some weight over that time as you can see below. Yes it has peaks and valleys — totally normal for weight loss, but the jagged line continues along a negative slope — with the peak being 231 in mid-September and the lowest point being 218 in the first week of December (my lowest recorded weight is 217 even on December 15th — 83 pounds lost total. 

Keeping that in mind makes me feel better I did not gain since October, I have lost. And if we factor in the typical seasonal gain, the results are even more impressive. Take Thanksgiving Day; the day after I gained .02 pounds by eating whatever I wanted but eating small portions. I have changed my thoughts about food. I don’t have to gorge myself to enjoy the flavors of the season. I have a more sophisticated relationship with food and that come from examining the beliefs around it not only in everyday life, but on holidays and special occasions as well. 

Speaking of holidays and special occasions, I am going to London for Christmas. On the trip as I make my way across that sprawling metropolis I going to work hard to keep my waistline from sprawling by working out and finding healthy ways to eat like a Brit while I’m there. 

What foods do you think are truly British? Tweet them to me DavidEzell and I’ll put them on the list. And if you have a suggestion for great eating, healthy eating, or both, send those my way as well. 

What Behavior Tells Me About Potential Partners (Business and Otherwise)

Everyone has a timetable — so consider theirs as well as yours, especially if they are in control of what you want. 

I can’t help it. I am trained to analyze behavior and I do it in all parts of my life. I’d be a fool not to, because I know that behavior, combined with what a person says, are all I have to go by when interacting with them.

In addition to being a life coach and CBT therapist, I am also the CEO of Darien Wellness, a group of mental health experts in Darien, CT. I have learned over the years to be very careful about who I partner with, as they are a reflection of the brand we have built in our region.

Yesterday I logged in to look at our current pool of applicants and found a man I will call “George.” He had a stellar resume and offered some skills that I think would really be a value-add for our group. At 1:26 PM I wrote him a note telling him I was impressed with his resume and asking if he had 20 minutes to discuss the possibility of joining our group. I told him I knew it was last-minute, so I also offered the following day as an option as well.

About ninety minutes later he replied and was perfectly cordial. He followed the directions of my request and did so in a professional fashion (greeting, closing, no misspelled words — all good signs).

Because I practice what I preach, he immediately got this auto-reply from me:

I appreciate you writing.

Because of my commitments with staff and clients I usually check this email once daily on workdays (Monday to Friday, save for vacation days and personal off days).

If this is a more pressing matter, call the office line at 203–883–0464 and leave a message.

PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ABOUT A CLIENT CRISIS OR AN EMERGENCY. If this is a medical emergency, do not notify us via email. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

You see, I teach my clients that living by email is a way to look very busy and get very little done. I have a full agenda from the moment I rise to the moment I lay back down, and behaving like Pavlov’s pup every time I hear an email bell “ding!” means getting very little done.

That said, I was fully aware I had written to him and another potential applicant about speaking. Keeping that in mind, I looked at my email at 6 am this morning to schedule anyone who may have replied. 

I was surprised to see that George had written me the first time, and then again, exactly twelve hours later (!?) at 1:26 AM. Keep in mind he had already been notified that I only check email once a day. But he wanted me, the person who is extending a potential offer to him, to conform to the typical practice of checking email all day and night (some studies show up to 150 times a day). And because I did not do so, he was mad and told me so.

I’m not going to repeat the content of the email — it’s not explicit, it’s just negative and dismissive because I did not reply on his schedule. Needless to say, I will not be speaking with him today, tomorrow, or any day, about working with us. If he acts like this about scheduling a call, how healthy can be? What he be like in a crisis? 

Folks, smart employers and business folk look at details. When you are looking at partnering with someone, keep in mind that your idea of the time for an appropriate response may not be the same as theirs. We all have ideas of what’s right in varying circumstances, so think carefully before you hit that “send” button. Write out what you are feeling — your frustration or anger — in Word or Pages and then sleep on it. I am willing to bet you may want to edit it, or throw it away, when you wake up the next morning.

Oh Those Holiday Parties…

December is a time to let go, right? WRONG!

This morning I got up, meditated, did my morning routine and then planned my nutritional day. I do that by opening up my favorite food tracking app, MyMacros Plus, and mapping out my eating for the day. I am currently feeding down and that means on Mondays I am allowed 2100 calories; the only restriction is that my protein consumption cannot be less than 200 grams. 

On normal days where I am in control of my eating I simply fill up my bag with food and slowly nibble away until the last bite is gone. Once that happens if I get a craving to nibble I “cheat” with my old standbys — sugar-free bubble gum, cough drops and occasionally a few pickles or some egg whites if I’m really famished. 

The thing is, I’m not always in control of my eating plan this time of year primarily because of holiday parties. As I continue to network and build my practice I get more and more offers for holiday happy hours and end of the year sit down dinners. And since they are at the end of the day, usually between 6 and 8 pm, my resolve is low, the goodies are plentiful and just the right price — free. So planning in advance is the key to sustained success. 

So what to do? Well I have two approaches that I freely offer to you dear readers: 1. Don’t Eat! or 2. Build the get together into your day. 

Option One is the easiest — at least from a planning perspective — and exactly what I did Thursday night when I went to an awesome get together at The Goose in downtown Darien. I grazed throughout the day as always (usually six small meals around 350 to 400 calories) finishing my last meal about 6:15 pm on the train to the event. Knowing that I had event at the day’s end, I left myself around 300 calories to play with by omitting parmesan cheese and sunflower seeds from my Thursday salads, just in case I was feeling left out. 

Once I got to Darien I told the bartender I wanted a drink that looked like alcohol but was just seltzer (imagine a nice garnish, a straw and a swizzle stick or two) because alcohol is empty calories and lowers even the stronger resolve. There were tons of goodies floating about — chips and dip, handmade sliders and hand-tossed pizza — all of which I passed on thanks to my trust seltzer with lime.

Then I spotted a “safe” food that I could nibble; broiled prawns with cocktail sauce. I had around 8 ounces of shrimp and dipped each in cocktail sauce, equaling around 200 calories and 46 grams of protein — thank goodness I had saved myself some nibble room. 

When dinner came I sat next to some really interesting people. The man to my right had lost a considerable amount of weight some years past (and had beat the odds and kept it off), so we had loads to discuss. And the woman to my right, a family therapist from Fairfield, was a delight. 

The waiter slowly made his way around and everyone placed their orders — steak, lobster rolls, seafood au gratin —all way outside of my daily dietary orbit. When the waiter came to me I told him to bring me a plain dinner salad with no dressing and no bread. My plan for the rest of the night was to move the salad around on my plate and keep the conversation going. Why not skip ordering? People don’t tend to like that. They will cajole me and tell me how I should “just have a little bit” or even encourage me to “take a break the night.” But with food in front of me few people noticed and I avoided making others uncomfortable. I went home delighted with my numbers and the next morning my weight was right on track — 219 even. I was so proud of myself for holding the course and doing what needed to be done. 

Was I temped by seafood au gratin and sliders? What do you think? Of course I was—it’s homemade sliders with cheese! But after decades of struggle I know how it works — if I eat off course I am going to put weight back on, it’s just that simple. So while I am sometimes tempted I don’t waiver. I know what not being disciplined gets me and I never want to go back to that again. 

Later this week I will discuss plan two in detail and give you a real-world example from Sunday when I met friends for lunch across from Grand Central Station. But now — off to workout! Have a great Monday! 

Where Have I Been? Sick… :(

Food poisoning has kept me out of sorts for the past week so blogging has been on hold.

I got a few really nice notes asking where I have been. And the answer is right here, flat on my back sick. I will be writing a post about what I learned from severe food poisoning, but right now I’m going to join friends for Thanksgiving in lower Manhattan.

So have a great day off, as will I, and I’ll catch up with you guys tomorrow.

81 pounds down!

I’m delighted to say yesterday’s prediction of moving into the teens happened, even better than expected. Now the next step….

This morning I woke up a bit early and laid in bed, meditated, napped a bit more and then hit the scales. I was strangely anxious and really needed to see good news. I heard the “beep!” and looked down to see this glowing up at me: 

Needless to say, I was delighted. I was hoping for 219.9, so this is damn solid. I hopped off the scale, took the above picture and celebrated with my Starbucks cheat drink, a Masala Chai (70 calories) and my favorite protein bar, Stronger with caramel pretzel (300 calories, 25 grams of protein). 

I looked at my stats and realized this weight had not only moved me into the teens but made we only 20 pounds shy of my goal, 101 pounds lost. It’s been an amazing year for me and I’m stoked about finding what the next 20 pounds off will have to offer. 

I’ve gotten so much great response from writing about my journey — a woman stopped me outside Equinox and said she and her husband were pulling for me; a man at church tapped me on the shoulder and offered his support; and several of the phone calls we have gotten at our amazing mental health practice, Darien Wellness, over the past month have been inquiries about how people can work with me as a coach. It’s always a surprise and I am so grateful for the kind words and expressions of support. 

I actually already have a waiting list for clients in Connecticut (pleasant problem) so I have been thinking about a way I can help people keep weight off for life. I’m in the process of putting a plan together, and I still have some details to iron out. But once I have it all set up I’ll announce it here and across the web. 

Okay, I’m off to start the day — aerobics, writing, meetings and more — have a wonderful Friday! 

One Thing I'll Miss About John Boehner

Even as the Pope addresses the faithful of New York, the Times just reported that Speaker of the House John Boehner will step down at the end of October.

Politics aside, when I think about Speaker Boehner I think about his atypical emotions, i.e. he is not afraid to cry.

While some have accused him of being manipulative--and sometimes tears are just that--I think it's a brave thing for a man in our emotions-phobic world to cry. Think about it, can you name another male public figure who openly cries?

In my Darien counseling practice I help men get in touch with a variety of emotions and frequently encounter men who have never cried in their adult lives. Teaching them to experience a full range of emotions is a part of what I do and on more than one occasion Mr. Boehner's tears are a topic we discuss.

Can you name any other public men who cry? I'll need more models as he steps down from the public eye.

Clothing of the Future!

One of the basic cognitive errors all humans make is fortune telling. In fortune telling we attempt to predict the future usually with a negative slant. Most of the times the purpose is to avoid risk or harm. You try to imagine life without John and you can't so you don't make demands on him, keeping you unhappy and him unaware of your needs. Suffering in silence is the result, based on fear of confrontation or possible desertion.

There is something very comforting about this illusory thinking and the main reason is risk is scary to us fear averse humans.

I just saw this video, shared by an artist friend, and smiled more than once at the folly of attempting to predict the future even five minutes from now. We all feel a desire to predict what's coming next but are rarely, if ever, right. Being in the present and experiencing now is a much better, and healthier, choice.

Not All Therapies Are Equal

Every now and then  I read an article and say "yes....yes" under my breath as I read. Such was the case with today's New York Times OpEd, "Psychotherapy's Image Problem." In the piece Dr. Brandon Gaudiano warned my industry that unless they make a commitment to proven treatment methods, over time our practices will be shut out by skeptical consumers and insurance companies who need to be shown therapy works.

And it does--at least some therapies do. 

I only work in empirically proven methods--primarily Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Mindfulness and Family along with the Gottman method for couples. When I discuss my commitment to science my peers across the country--many of whom I respect and am friends with--pay lip service to proven methods and then do pretty much whatever they please. That concerns me because it effects me; if their patient's experience is not optimal that experience effects my practice and the reputation of the entire industry. Doing efficacious work is not only ethical but also smart business, if and when it is done. 

I agree whole heartedly with Dr. Gaudiano; if we do not move to evidence-based practices we will be shut out by consumers who don't trust us and insurance companies that rightly expect results from our work within reasonable time frames. As we approach a new era of health care in the coming months, I can only hope the American Counseling Association and the American Psychological Association are listening. 

Bradley Manning's Gender Identity Struggle

This morning Bradley Manning's attorney read a statement on the Today show saying that his client, recently sentenced to 35 years for leaking material to Wikileaks, wants to start living his life as a woman.

As I heard the news I was floored and, I have to admit, a tad skeptical.  I am honored to work with the trans community (not to mention all sorts of others, hetero and gay as well) and am defensive of those who would ridicule these brave folk, so that is my knee jerk impulse--to question this announcement. I don't know Mr. Manning and can't vouch for his integrity but I can only hope this is not a plea for publicity. The struggles of the trans community are so varied, deep and enduring that they cannot afford an opportunist seeking attention.

Chelsea Manning

That said, does this young man need any more publicity? He is known around the world for his actions, with some wanting to award him the Nobel Peace Prize and others demanding his execution.

I then did some reading and found Manning has struggled with the issue of his gender for some time and that it was discussed in his trial. I was not aware of this because of the lack of coverage of his trial in the mainstream. But once I found out he has previously been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder (GID)--literally having the brain of one sex in the body of another--I was relieved and felt tremendous sympathy for her. 

From here on I am going to refer to Mr. Manning as Ms. Manning, as I would with anyone else who told me they wanted to transition. Who am I to tell her, or anyone, who they really are?

As I tell my clients--from the heterosexual teenager with family issues to the housewife struggling with anxious thoughts to the woman in her eighties who wants a divorce after sixty years of marriage--you are an expert on yourself. I will never know who you are better than yourself.

The world is so hard for the most mainstream of people and it is even harder every step one takes away from the norm. So I wish Chelsea Manning well and hope she is afforded the medical and legal accommodations that allow her to be who she really is.

A Truly New Pope

Yesterday is was reported that Pope Francis said something about gay people. 

What he said was not nearly so important as the fact he said anything at all. The very fact that the pontiff, God's representative on Earth, said anything about gays other than a dismissal is truly astonishing. 

What did he say? According to today's New York Times he told reporters "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” 

I thought I would never hear this from the leader of the Catholic church. Our last pope dismissed homosexuality as "an intrinsic moral evil," carrying the banner of hatred and bigotry that has been ubiquitous in the Church for millennia. But not this pope. What a difference a papacy makes. 

I was less than thrilled when Francis' papacy was announced earlier this year. I tweeted that he seemed to be more of the same. I now officially recant that position. 

He may never say another word about gays again. But the fact that he did will stick with me for many years to come. 

Free the Mind

I just saw a wonderful--truly wonderful--documentary about the power we all have to make our lives better by seeing things for what they are instead of what we think they are.

The film is called Free the Mind and is in limited release all over the US. It focuses on two returning veterans suffering from PTSD and on a little boy named Will who was abandoned at birth, cycled through a variety of foster homes and at the age of five is dealing with a serious case of ADHD. All three of them use the techniques from mindfulness and meditation to change their lives for the better with amazing results.

Being a clinician I thought the film would be educational but I was caught off guard by the power of this film to help us empathize with people who want to be happy. I'm not afraid to admit I had many beliefs confirmed, learned a few things and also shed some surprising tears towards the movie's end.

While most of you wont be able to see it in the theater, it will soon be on-line for rental and hopefully appear on TV as well.

Free your mind by seeing it.

Thinking of Dr. Joyce Brothers

When I heard Dr. Joyce Brothers had passed away this morning I found myself to be profoundly sad. She has always been one of the constants in my life, someone who had been famous long before I was born and a constant face on the game shows and sitcoms that I grew up watching. She was friendly and pretty and funny, but also profoundly smart. She, along with Bob Newhart's fictional group therapist Bob Hartley, showed me that helping people could be a valid career choice. 

Now that I'm grown (and a psychotherapist), I appreciate her for a completely different reason. She made therapy more accessible to the masses by putting a friendly face on our craft. Dr. Brothers, a fellow alum of Columbia University I'm proud to say, was an early proponent of overturning the belief that that therapy and therapists had to be mysterious and puritanical in its practice. Instead of being a silent and judgmental, Dr. Brothers was accessible and real--even funny--something I thank her for every day. 

Rest in peace Dr. Joyce.

Mindfulness, Meditation, Wellness and Their Connection to Corporate America's Bottom Line

I'm glad you are contributing to this discussion. I have worked with many of those Wall Streeters over the years and frequently find they are so disconnected from what makes them happy--while they continue to pursue what they are told should make them so.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Everyone is a Victim in Chardon, Ohio

untreated mental illness = a sick community

I just heard the news about the sentencing of this young man for killing three students in a lunch room at his high school. Sadly, in our violent culture, that did not catch my ear in the way it should as I'm desensitized in a way I wish I was not to gun violence.

What did was the incredible anger expressed in the sentencing by the convicted man--wearing a t-shirt with "KILLER" written on it, sticking his middle finger in the faces of those in the courtroom and other disturbing acts and statements I won't glorify here.

From my perspective he is just as much a victim as anyone else--this young man--barely a legal adult and certainly not one by any other standard is so mad. What happened to him? Why was in not caught earlier? How sad that the only thing we did with him was ignore him until he destroyed others, too late for all of them. 

this photo is property of the Associated Press

We have to get serious--very serious--about mental health in this country. What caused this man to take this lives? I don't know but I would have loved to have helped him when he was fifteen or sixteen. 

Depression and anxiety are spreading across the region because he was ignored. Witnesses, survivors, the family of those who died, his relatives, the entire community as well are all at risk to opportunistic mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, if not more serious conditions. I was even effected by this and I am two-thousand miles away. 

Now I can't help him and neither can anyone else. 

What is Codependence Anyway?

co + dependence = unhealthy dependence

As I am settling into my new practice in Seattle I am returning to one of my favorite topics--codependence--for a new group that meets twice a month in Mountlake Terrace, Washington.
When I first started working with clients on codependence I avoided using the word--I don't think I actually said it aloud for most of the first two years my groups met. Why? It is such a shopworn phrase that I felt it had lost most of its impact. I could not walk to a newsstand or turn on afternoon television without hearing how someone was codependent with someone else. But eventually, as I came to a true understanding of all its implications, I began to appreciate the word I had once avoided.

Codependence, broken down, is one of the few psycho-words I know of that is exactly what it sounds like. The first part, "co," is a prefix that indicates the work of two people. Co-authors write together, co-hostesses are both responsible for a party and co-pilots fly the friendly skies in tandem.

The other part of the word, "dependent," means (per Dictonary.com) "relying on someone or something else for aid, support."  Children are dependents until they mature. The very old and the very sick are typically dependents too as they cannot take care of themselves. In those situations being dependent on another is normal.

But beyond those situations we have to be aware of the potential trap of being too reliant on anyone else or anyone being too reliant on us. Healthy relationships--with your lover, with your friend, with your boss or even your mother--are interdependent. They allow you to count on each other but still remain individuals. But when any relationship becomes too involved, feeling more like a duty or an obligation, we have to be mindful of the potential for an unhealthy reliance, based on fear instead of respect.

And that is what we do in my group—create a safe space to examine those relationships and decide if a relationship is codependent and remedies to make it healthier. 

Click here for more information on how you can join my Building Healthy Relationships group.