What Behavior Tells Me About Potential Partners (Business and Otherwise)

Everyone has a timetable — so consider theirs as well as yours, especially if they are in control of what you want. 

I can’t help it. I am trained to analyze behavior and I do it in all parts of my life. I’d be a fool not to, because I know that behavior, combined with what a person says, are all I have to go by when interacting with them.

In addition to being a life coach and CBT therapist, I am also the CEO of Darien Wellness, a group of mental health experts in Darien, CT. I have learned over the years to be very careful about who I partner with, as they are a reflection of the brand we have built in our region.

Yesterday I logged in to look at our current pool of applicants and found a man I will call “George.” He had a stellar resume and offered some skills that I think would really be a value-add for our group. At 1:26 PM I wrote him a note telling him I was impressed with his resume and asking if he had 20 minutes to discuss the possibility of joining our group. I told him I knew it was last-minute, so I also offered the following day as an option as well.

About ninety minutes later he replied and was perfectly cordial. He followed the directions of my request and did so in a professional fashion (greeting, closing, no misspelled words — all good signs).

Because I practice what I preach, he immediately got this auto-reply from me:

I appreciate you writing.

Because of my commitments with staff and clients I usually check this email once daily on workdays (Monday to Friday, save for vacation days and personal off days).

If this is a more pressing matter, call the office line at 203–883–0464 and leave a message.

PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ABOUT A CLIENT CRISIS OR AN EMERGENCY. If this is a medical emergency, do not notify us via email. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

You see, I teach my clients that living by email is a way to look very busy and get very little done. I have a full agenda from the moment I rise to the moment I lay back down, and behaving like Pavlov’s pup every time I hear an email bell “ding!” means getting very little done.

That said, I was fully aware I had written to him and another potential applicant about speaking. Keeping that in mind, I looked at my email at 6 am this morning to schedule anyone who may have replied. 

I was surprised to see that George had written me the first time, and then again, exactly twelve hours later (!?) at 1:26 AM. Keep in mind he had already been notified that I only check email once a day. But he wanted me, the person who is extending a potential offer to him, to conform to the typical practice of checking email all day and night (some studies show up to 150 times a day). And because I did not do so, he was mad and told me so.

I’m not going to repeat the content of the email — it’s not explicit, it’s just negative and dismissive because I did not reply on his schedule. Needless to say, I will not be speaking with him today, tomorrow, or any day, about working with us. If he acts like this about scheduling a call, how healthy can be? What he be like in a crisis? 

Folks, smart employers and business folk look at details. When you are looking at partnering with someone, keep in mind that your idea of the time for an appropriate response may not be the same as theirs. We all have ideas of what’s right in varying circumstances, so think carefully before you hit that “send” button. Write out what you are feeling — your frustration or anger — in Word or Pages and then sleep on it. I am willing to bet you may want to edit it, or throw it away, when you wake up the next morning.

Clothing of the Future!

One of the basic cognitive errors all humans make is fortune telling. In fortune telling we attempt to predict the future usually with a negative slant. Most of the times the purpose is to avoid risk or harm. You try to imagine life without John and you can't so you don't make demands on him, keeping you unhappy and him unaware of your needs. Suffering in silence is the result, based on fear of confrontation or possible desertion.

There is something very comforting about this illusory thinking and the main reason is risk is scary to us fear averse humans.

I just saw this video, shared by an artist friend, and smiled more than once at the folly of attempting to predict the future even five minutes from now. We all feel a desire to predict what's coming next but are rarely, if ever, right. Being in the present and experiencing now is a much better, and healthier, choice.

Not All Therapies Are Equal

Every now and then  I read an article and say "yes....yes" under my breath as I read. Such was the case with today's New York Times OpEd, "Psychotherapy's Image Problem." In the piece Dr. Brandon Gaudiano warned my industry that unless they make a commitment to proven treatment methods, over time our practices will be shut out by skeptical consumers and insurance companies who need to be shown therapy works.

And it does--at least some therapies do. 

I only work in empirically proven methods--primarily Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Mindfulness and Family along with the Gottman method for couples. When I discuss my commitment to science my peers across the country--many of whom I respect and am friends with--pay lip service to proven methods and then do pretty much whatever they please. That concerns me because it effects me; if their patient's experience is not optimal that experience effects my practice and the reputation of the entire industry. Doing efficacious work is not only ethical but also smart business, if and when it is done. 

I agree whole heartedly with Dr. Gaudiano; if we do not move to evidence-based practices we will be shut out by consumers who don't trust us and insurance companies that rightly expect results from our work within reasonable time frames. As we approach a new era of health care in the coming months, I can only hope the American Counseling Association and the American Psychological Association are listening. 

Thinking of Dr. Joyce Brothers

When I heard Dr. Joyce Brothers had passed away this morning I found myself to be profoundly sad. She has always been one of the constants in my life, someone who had been famous long before I was born and a constant face on the game shows and sitcoms that I grew up watching. She was friendly and pretty and funny, but also profoundly smart. She, along with Bob Newhart's fictional group therapist Bob Hartley, showed me that helping people could be a valid career choice. 

Now that I'm grown (and a psychotherapist), I appreciate her for a completely different reason. She made therapy more accessible to the masses by putting a friendly face on our craft. Dr. Brothers, a fellow alum of Columbia University I'm proud to say, was an early proponent of overturning the belief that that therapy and therapists had to be mysterious and puritanical in its practice. Instead of being a silent and judgmental, Dr. Brothers was accessible and real--even funny--something I thank her for every day. 

Rest in peace Dr. Joyce.

Cognitive Behavioral Principle: Discounting the Positive

 (good news) + (bad news) = 360 View


Discounting the Positive is one of the most common problems humans face. In short, it is when a person fails to acknowledge successes and only looks at what she has not done.

For instance, I have a client (let's call her Mary) who, from all accounts would be considered a success. She is in a highly regarded field, one that many would love to be in. She works hard, gets raises, promotions, bonuses. On top of that Mary has an active dating life and many friends. And during the week she teaches an exercise class as she decided to become certified in her spare time. That is what I see.

What does Mary see? A failure. Because she has the desire to be a mother and she is not, she thinks she is a complete loser. All the accomplishments above don't matter to her--she only sees what she does not have.

Mary considers herself to be a realist and that is why she bashes herself over the head about motherhood. I see her as someone who is struggling with accepting reality. Reality is a mix of accomplishments, things tried and things left to do. Her reality is all about what she does not have.

So I am helping her to understand what discounting the positive does to her. And slowly, slowly she is beginning to see all 360 degrees as opposed to five or six.

Examine your life--what do you discount? Once you recognize what it is, ask yourself how that practice, the practice of ignoring the good aspects of your life keep you from changing what you want to change.

Want to ask David a question about Discounting the Positive?