What Behavior Tells Me About Potential Partners (Business and Otherwise)

Everyone has a timetable — so consider theirs as well as yours, especially if they are in control of what you want. 

I can’t help it. I am trained to analyze behavior and I do it in all parts of my life. I’d be a fool not to, because I know that behavior, combined with what a person says, are all I have to go by when interacting with them.

In addition to being a life coach and CBT therapist, I am also the CEO of Darien Wellness, a group of mental health experts in Darien, CT. I have learned over the years to be very careful about who I partner with, as they are a reflection of the brand we have built in our region.

Yesterday I logged in to look at our current pool of applicants and found a man I will call “George.” He had a stellar resume and offered some skills that I think would really be a value-add for our group. At 1:26 PM I wrote him a note telling him I was impressed with his resume and asking if he had 20 minutes to discuss the possibility of joining our group. I told him I knew it was last-minute, so I also offered the following day as an option as well.

About ninety minutes later he replied and was perfectly cordial. He followed the directions of my request and did so in a professional fashion (greeting, closing, no misspelled words — all good signs).

Because I practice what I preach, he immediately got this auto-reply from me:

I appreciate you writing.

Because of my commitments with staff and clients I usually check this email once daily on workdays (Monday to Friday, save for vacation days and personal off days).

If this is a more pressing matter, call the office line at 203–883–0464 and leave a message.

PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ABOUT A CLIENT CRISIS OR AN EMERGENCY. If this is a medical emergency, do not notify us via email. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

You see, I teach my clients that living by email is a way to look very busy and get very little done. I have a full agenda from the moment I rise to the moment I lay back down, and behaving like Pavlov’s pup every time I hear an email bell “ding!” means getting very little done.

That said, I was fully aware I had written to him and another potential applicant about speaking. Keeping that in mind, I looked at my email at 6 am this morning to schedule anyone who may have replied. 

I was surprised to see that George had written me the first time, and then again, exactly twelve hours later (!?) at 1:26 AM. Keep in mind he had already been notified that I only check email once a day. But he wanted me, the person who is extending a potential offer to him, to conform to the typical practice of checking email all day and night (some studies show up to 150 times a day). And because I did not do so, he was mad and told me so.

I’m not going to repeat the content of the email — it’s not explicit, it’s just negative and dismissive because I did not reply on his schedule. Needless to say, I will not be speaking with him today, tomorrow, or any day, about working with us. If he acts like this about scheduling a call, how healthy can be? What he be like in a crisis? 

Folks, smart employers and business folk look at details. When you are looking at partnering with someone, keep in mind that your idea of the time for an appropriate response may not be the same as theirs. We all have ideas of what’s right in varying circumstances, so think carefully before you hit that “send” button. Write out what you are feeling — your frustration or anger — in Word or Pages and then sleep on it. I am willing to bet you may want to edit it, or throw it away, when you wake up the next morning.

You Can't Have a Tug of War if You Put Down the Rope

(attacks) - (negative responses) = stupid and cheerful

I am becoming increasingly involved in on-line discussions about the myriad topics I address in my blog. I recently posted my blog about money and happiness on a "professional" discussion group to get opinions from others. I did get a number of thoughtful responses and some interesting pointers to follow up on. Then the next morning I found this in my inbox:

What a stupid question. With respect, you cannot seriously expect any therapist to agree with the proposition that increased income correlates with increased happiness...

 

Wow, what a nice way to start the day. I was ticked off at her tone and did what humans tend to do when attacked, I wanted to attack back. Then I calmed myself with a little square breathing and remembered that I should never write anything negative down (at least when it will be seen by anyone else).

So I wrote this reply:

Thanks for the "respectful" reply Sue [not her real name].

I did not suggest therapists were the target audience of my post. Read the first sentence. It is in response to a post on an unsigned career blog I recently read.

And I do not think this is an uncommon belief, that is why I wrote about it. I would venture to say that many of your clients are under the impression that a little more money would set them free. I know that here in one of the world's commerce capitols, almost all of mine do.

How did I do? That was after several heated attempts to remove the anger I felt. I would give myself a SIX on a scale of one to ten. I could have been a lot better. The main issue is the passive aggressive way I used the word respectful. But I was still angry and she had the gall to write "with respect," when there was absolutely no respect in her post...

So a few minutes later I asked her to join my network of friends:

Dear Sue,

I appreciate your thoughtful response to my blog post. I'd like to have you in my network of associates.

Happy November,

David Ezell

Much better, no? I'd give that a solid EIGHT, perhaps a NINE.

Dear readers, arguments and fights only erupt when we choose to play. We can control our response. As you can see, it is hard, but we can do it. Just breathe, use your brain and put down the rope.

What's the Number One Reason People Can't Make Changes Stick?

(change) - (one step) = status quo

'Tis the season to change. People are back from the beach, out of Mai Tai mix and realizing that whatever was wrong pre-tan line is still there post-tan. Regardless of if it is needing a career change, wanting to lose that final 20 pounds or conquering depression, the fall is the time when people reach out to me for help.

Based on my own experience and the experiences of my clients, I have the number one reason short-term change fails to translate into long-term success.

Drum roll please.......

They don't fully engage. I work wtih them to understand their problem and help them design a plan to create significant, and real change in their lives. They are on board for 80 or 90% of it but one key aspect of the plan, many times THE key aspect, keeps them from success.

Let me give you an example. Years ago a client came to me complaining of anxiety, insomnia and of a boyfriend she was "addicted" to. No matter how hard she tried, she could not shake him out of her life. I spent a few weeks learning about friends (very few or none) and family relationships (she had cut them off because they were critical of HIM). She had inherited a significant amount of money from her father's estate so she did not work. It seemed that for the most part she had taken on Rodney (a pseudonym) as her full time job.

She and I created a plan that engaged her in community service with a few key causes she was passionate about. In that way she could begin to build friendships with people who shared her interests. We also implemented a three day a week exercise plan, mostly made up of classes, so she would have a schedule to keep and other opportunities for friendship. The most important part of the plan regarded Rodney--we agreed she would write and tell him they needed a full year apart to see who she was--and who he was too. I was convinced that the year clear of Rodney would allow her to see him for what he was as opposed to the man she imagined him to be.

Almost immediately we began weekly check-ins to see where she was on her three goals. She excelled in her non-profit work and lost seven pounds in her first month working out. She had also weened herself from her anti-anxiety meds, replacing them with the square breathing exercises I had taught her when she felt anxious. Her sleep had also gotten better in that she was physically and mentally active, making her more tired at day's end. Last of all, she had not spoken to Rodney, who she missed greatly.; she realized why the break was important and was committed to sticking to her plan. All tolled, she had a real success on her hands.

However, a few weeks later month two proved to be harder; the anxiety outbreaks began to reappear and her exercise tapered off from three to two days a week. A few sessions later she said something about what Rodney was doing. I asked how she knew and she confessed that she had been texting with him for about three weeks. She claimed she did not think texting "counted," so we discussed the implications of any contact with a man who "did not seem to be good for her" (her words, not mine).

"It is so hard," she said, "we meant so much to each other for so long." I asked her if she thought it was a coincidence that her exercise had gone down and anxiety had risen--threatening her plan. She said no, and told me she would try harder.

Eventually all of her forward motion was derailed by her inability to take a year off from Rodney. Was the goal hard? Yes, I acknowledged that it was. However, I would say, and she agreed, that no matter how hard it was it was not as hard as the life she lived under Rodney's control.

She had asked me to help her create a transition plan and we did, an effective one at least at the start. However, it was her inability to be consistent that kept her from moving forward and making her life a better one.

Do you see any of my former client in you? Creating real change is so very hard. One way to ensure success is accepting the entire plan and trying it out. After all, what do you have to lose?

Anticipating Behavior vs. Predicting the Future

I knew my godson was going to do what I had just told him not to do. The then 3-year-old boy held his body differently, he walked faster and his little hand, which usually hung at his side or held a truck or plastic hammer, was clenched tightly. He raced by and did not even acknowledge me, something I had never seen before.

What did I think he was up to? I had just told him he could not have any cookies. It was less than thirty minutes before dinner and he had no business eating anything with a chocolate chip baked inside.

Sure enough, within 20 second I heard the “clink” of the cookie jar lid as he attempted to place it quietly back in place. But, I let him slide. He was, all things considered, a great kid who usually followed rules and worked hard to behave as well as a little boy could.

Why am I talking about a cookie swiped when Bill Clinton was still in the White House? I wanted an example of how we can use our experience with a person to note something is out of order. He walked differently; he held his hand in an atypical fashion. And he did not look me in the eye. Tada, I knew he was going to swipe a Chips-Ahoy!

That is not fortune telling. It was based on observations of past behaviors and compared to present action. When comparing all my prior observations to what I saw I knew something was afoot. And since we had just had a cookie talk, my best guest was a pretty solid one.

Many times we know someone well and if we pay attention, we can sense change is in the air. They may dress differently, sit on the couch with a different posture or smell better (or worse). That is how impressions are formed and suspicions are raised.

But anticipation will only take us so far. We cannot predict the future, which is a very different concept. With fortune telling, a person attempts to predict the outcome of investments, dates or job interviews. I have a client who frequently attempts to tell me if he was hired or not based on the interviewers behavior. But see the problem? He has an N of 0. The observations he is making in the interview are the only ones he has. So he sees someone sitting upright and smiling as a cue that he will be filling out W-2s next week.

We cannot tell the future but we can note changes in the folks who inhabit our world. Recognizing the difference will make your life infinitely easier and maybe give you an advantage over someone trying to mislead you or cause you harm.

(experience) x (statistics) + (a hungry little boy) = we can anticipate behavior

(Aaron Beck) + (statistics) = we can’t predict the future

Take a RISK!

The other day a phrase came to me from Virgil, the Roman historian:

"Fortes fortuna adiuvat"

Translated, that means fortune favors the bold.

That phrase stands the test of time--be bold, what in the hell have you got to lose sitting on the sidelines?

I know a woman who has never asked a man out on a date because that is "not what ladies do." She always sits by the phone, thinking that by doing so she is not behaving like "a lady." And that scenario is making her miserable. Out of obligation to tradition, she is making herself miserable.

Since this is a family blog I won't say the one word that is 8-letters long, starts with a "b" and ends with "t." I have challenged her to stop doing the same behavior she is complaining about. If she meets a man she would like to go out with, forget The Rules and pick up the phone.

What would happen if she asked a man out?

1. She won't like him;
2. She will like him:
3. He will like her:
4. He won't like her;
5. They will both like each other;
6. They will both not like each other;
7. He won't show up...
8. Or something I can't predict will occur.

Regardless of any of those outcomes (and I am sure there are a few more I can't think of), she wins! She took a risk instead of wondering what would happen if she had asked him out.

Life is far too short to be in love with ambiguity.

Fortes fortuna adiuvat

In honor of five years of helping others help themselves, David Ezell is offering free workshops on relationships, weight loss and depression. Click on the links to register as seating is very limited.

Obama and Sexual Minorities

As you may have heard, Bishop Gene Robinson's invocation was omitted from both HBO and NPR's broadcast of the pre-inagural events yesterday. According to sources at HBO (as reported on afterelton.com), the decision to skip Robinson came from the Obama team.

Assuming this is not a case of pass the buck, here is another indication that the words and actions of the Obama group don't match.

Frankly, I could hardly care less about either Robinson's comments nor those of the bigoted Rick Warren, who was chosen to speak on innaguration day. I believe in the separation of church and state and think mixing the two has gotten us in a lot of the mess from which we all are suffering. That said, Robinson's selection was seen as a concession to queers after the Warren insult. But the bait and switch of asking him, and then silencing him, is problematic.

I voted for Obama, as I know that sexual minorities will suffer far worse at the hands of the GOP. That said, I have never had any illusions about the Democrats who seemingly lack any sort of central directive, especially when it come to the rights of women and men with alternative sexual desire.

Does choosing Warren or omitting Robinson have any long term impact? No.

If that is true, what's the big deal? What it tells, which is that Obama and company's word (LGBT folk are mistreated, we will change that) when compared to their actions (they are disposeable when it suits us) don't match.

Which one, words or actions, reflects the Obama administration's position? I guess we will have to wait and see for ourselves.