Make a Vow to Have a Good Time

attention + passion = lubrication


I just spoke to a man who came up to me and, after confirming that I am a relationship coach and therapist, asked me what sort of lube he could use on his wife who has, as he put it, "lubrication issues."

I asked when was the last time they had been on a date. He paused, looked at me and said, "years..." And then he started explaining to me all the reasons why they never go out and how they are both "busy." I wanted to ask him to stop as I had heard that song before.

Folks, romance has to be relationship-long. Dating doesn't stop when you say "baby let's move in" or even when you say "I do"--assuming you have been granted the legal ability to do so. Make time for each other, date, buy flowers, talk, enjoy each other--date after you make vows.

Some flowers, candles and a thoughtful exchange will solve a majority of the challenges currently being addressed by the KY line of products. Trust me...

What Can You Do to Make Hard Talks Softer?

 (problems) + (communication) = solutions

It happens so frequently. Your feelings are hurt. Or there is not enough sex in your relationship. Or there is too much. Or the dishes are stacking up and you are tired of washing them. Or you just aren't feeling "it" anymore...

What to do? You have a choice:

CHOICE A: Hold it all in and wait to have an emotional outburst, or a heart attack. Your lover should be able to read your mind, right?

CHOICE B: Open your mouth and say what is on your mind.

Guess which option I favor?

But how do you talk about situations and problems that are sensitive or difficult?

Here are a few tips for having a conversation about anything hard as concrete feel a little more like marshmallows:

1. Don't tell him a few days ahead that, "we need to talk." Keep thy mouth closed until you are ready to talk. Once you say that phrase the talk has begun.

2. Talk during the day, not at night. Both of you will be tired and defensive. Saturday at noon is far superior to Saturday at midnight. Make an appointment to hang out and talk during that time.

3. Don't talk at home with the two of you alone. Take him for a walk outside or at the mall so the issue, no matter how sensitive, can be controlled.

3. If you are talking to a man, don't stare into his eyes. For most women that equals honesty. For men that frequently feels like confrontation.

4. Don't hem and haw. State your question and see what he says...

Do you have any other ideas on how to make "hard" talk softer? I'd love to hear them....

"We All Pay for Sex"

Woody Allen pithily made that remark years ago and the minute I heard it I knew it was true. We all pay for access to the mate we want, regardless of if that pay comes in roses (or "roses"), hours at the gym, an expensive haircut or a job that pays big bucks.

Based on a discovery earlier this week, it seems science has confirmed the fact that this has always been the case. Anthropologists have discovered a possible human ancestor that, if their hypothesis holds, is our oldest identified relative.

One of the things that sets this female, nick-named Ardi, from other homonids is the size of her canine teeth. They are small, like ours, which is quite different from our ape cousins who used big teeth for fighting. The theory is that smaller teeth indicates there was not a need to fight to get what they wanted. Through evolution they lost the large canines in favor of the ability to barter.

"So females are picking males that are using some other technique to obtain reproductive success, and that technique is probably exchanging food for copulation," Frank Lovejoy, one the leaders of the team who found her, said.

So the Woodman was right...and like any truth, it holds up 6 million years ago, as it does today.

(Woody Allen) + (Charles Darwin) x (Behavioral Psychology) + (Ardi) = we all pay for sex

Match.com's Deceptive Practices

I was running down Broadway to get to the office when I was stopped cold in my tracks by the headline--LAWSUIT: MATCH.COM IS THE HEARTBREAKER.

I had to read it and was so excited to see what it said; Sean McGinn of Brooklyn has sued Match.com for deceptive practices. Great move Sean...let's get a class action suit in the works!

I have been doing on-line dating workshops for years and one of my major points has been that a major part of most, if not all, dating sites business models is built around a deception. A majority of the people you see on-line are not actually there. They were members for a while and then quit. But little do most of them know that their profiles keep on surfing the endless wave of new members. Sure Match.com promises 15 million members, but they don't tell how many are active. Why? It's a lot smaller number.

Dating is about risk and rejection. So getting up the nerve and the money to put yourself out there is hard all by itself. Why should that be exacerbated by your wasting time and money (these sites run about $40 a month) writing notes to and winking at doppelgängers that are not there?

I was recently reminded of this by a personal encounter I had with Match's sister-site, Chemistry.com. I created a profile as I think the science behind their business is sound and I wanted to see how it worked for myself. A few weeks in I saw a friend of mine in my list of five daily prospects (this site does not have searchability; they "hand pick" five prospects for you). I called him and said, "hey, I saw your profile and you were one of my matches, isn't that funny?"

He had no idea what I was talking about.

He had logged on one night, created a profile and then decided not to join. He had not paid a penny but there he was, offered up to me as a candidate for dating and potential mating. What a sham.

So what is the workaround? Two ideas:

1. When you search, make sure you seek out those who have been active in the past 2 weeks, or at the most, past 30 days. That insures that at least, to some degree, the people you make a pass at are not past.

2. Get off the Internet. I am not anti-net but I am anti-excess. Too much of anything, including web-time, is bad. Go out into the world, get involved and talk to others. At least you know they are there.

Updates from Online Dating

I encourage my clients to use the new year to set goals and execute them. Since I practice the things I preach, I have three goals for the ninth year of the 21st century. One of them is to find a real live boyfriend to call my own.

So every morning I log into my dating site and review candidates that were "hand picked" by a piece of software. And this morning I think the software needs another cup of Joe.

Why? Read on dear friends, read on, as I quote directly from the three candidates profiles.

Bachelor number one has this to say about himself:

looking for a best friend and lover. someone to share all of lifes greatest highs and lows. someone who can be easy to talk to and see all sides to the story not just one side. someone open minded and loving... someone like me...

Oh my, he is one of those folks who thinks love is a cocoon from which one shields himself from the world. Please folks, don't make your "best friend" your lover as well. Make friends and keep them, regardless of if you are in love or not. Because if and when the lover pisses you off, you have somewhere to go and someone to talk to.

NEXT!

Candidate two is dangerous in his own special way.

I am successful in my career and recovering from a 7-year relationship that recently ended

STOP. That is all we need to know. Does "recently ended" mean a week ago or a year ago? And why is that in the first sentence out of his mouth? Rebound. I am not a Band-Aid for someone's scarred ego and bad choices.

NEXT!

This one is the classic. A formerly married man with children, half of his pictures are him with no shirt and/or dressed like a man 20 years less than his 44. And this is his spiel:

I "came out" in January 2004 and immediately found myself in a relationship with the wrong guy but within which I experienced many aspects (good and bad) of the "gay world" in warp speed.

Okay, so he rebounded from his wife into some relationship with a hottie who liked his paycheck, abs, or both. Now he is single and wants to transition. And to add insult to this injurous profile, he writes...

By all accounts, I am told I am good looking, intelligent and fun to be with.

He forgot modest. Please folks, let me decide if you are any of those things. As I told a date yesterday, intelligence is in the eye of the beholder. And while this guy my have an IQ of 110, his emotional IQ appears to be 12.

Dear readers, we don't want to be shields or bandages or transitional objects for others. We want to be friends, lovers, and partners. Be careful in your search. I am in mine.

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

Dried Plums or Prunes?

I joined a new on-line dating site and was excited at the prospect of seeing who would cross my path as a result.

Well, Dame Fortune sure did smile down on me. The first guy who contacted me sounded like a really electric choice—Lonely Guy 247. “Friends tell me I am such a nice guy and always want to know why I have not found someone special.” And, to make a great ad even better—he did not have a picture on his profile! Wow.

The ironic section of this posting is now complete.

I think personals are a great way to get things started and I know scores of people who have met their significant others on-line. But many take the mistakes they make in the real world and plunk them down on the page. Take Lonely Guy 247 (let’s call him LG). LG, you need to really reconsider that handle you chose for yourself. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever one was heard. If you want some traffic, you have to give people a reason to come to you.

Lonely Guy? It sizzles when you read it—damn, I can’t stop being ironic. And I need to, because I want to help LG. Dude, pick out something in your personality that is interesting, intriguing or exciting. Highlight that over the fact you are lonely and you are a guy. Lonely is as unsexy an adjective as one can pick and it is unexceptional—many people are lonely. And there are tons of Guys out there. What do you love? What do you have that is special about you? Take that and make that your nom de plume. Regardless of if you like it or not, we are selling a product when we go onto the Web—we are selling you.

The next part of rebranding an ad like this is that opening sentence. Grab me with a strong line. I just cut and pasted this from another one of my matches

“Okay... sure you've heard this before, but I'm new to this.”

Yes, I have heard it before. And saying it in your ad does nothing for you or me. Choose these opening words carefully. People only read a few lines at best. And saying things that have been said again and again make my “next” button finger itchy.

And the picture, or the lack of one….what can I say? Pictures sell things and sell people. I don’t know LG’s motivation for not having a picture but I promise you I am not imagining good things when I see an empty box where the image is supposed to be. It is the 21st century. Get a camera and get a friend, or hire a pro and get out there. What you may see as a weakness I may see as strength. So let me find out LG and if I am interested, I’ll get back to you.

Have a great Friday the 13th!

David Ezell is giving his annual Valentines workshop at the Jewish Community Center on the 23rd of February. Regardless of if you are a JCC member or not, or Jewish or not, this event is always fun and filled with singles. This year we will focus on creating an on-line personals ad using a volunteer’s pictures and copy in real time. Come join us!

© David Ezell 2009
All Rights Reserved

How Fast is Too Fast?

When it comes to matters of dating and love, how fast is too fast?

You had a great date with some guy or girl who feels exactly the same way. You feel such a connection--how could someone fit you the way he/she does? You feel the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are, how delighted that it went so well. And then it dawns on you, hey, I'm gonna ask him/her out to lunch tomorrow. And then see if he/she wants to go to the game on Friday (I can tell my best friend we'll go another time). And then of course, Saturday will be our one-week anniversary, we can't miss that. Maybe a romantic dinner at that little spot on 4th Avenue. I usually save it for somebody I have been dating for a while, but it feels like we have been together forever...

Sound familar? Hopefully, if you are an adult of a certain age, you have felt this way about another person at least a few times in your life. It feels great and if it feels great, then you want more of it, right?

No, you don't.

Why? Because of another phenomenon you have heard of--too much too soon. If feels fantastic, you are so connected, and then just as quickly as it rose, it fell.

So what to do? How do you keep that fabulous ball bouncing? Slow down. Act counter to the impulse to call them and tell them how happy you are that you met on that subway or on-line. What if I had not logged on that night? We may never have met.... Take it easy partner. If it is great now, and you want it to be great later, don't call and write and nudge and wink and post and text. Leave a little space between the two of you and and see where things go. It has only been a week, or two weeks, or two months. It is hard to find someone to love. And it seems you are on the right path. But don't allow it to wither by not letting it have any light. Like the tender buds of May, a relationship needs light and air, along with a touch of TLC, to grow.

Happy Friday.

Dating vs. Hooking Up

BUT FIRST A QUICK COMMERCIAL...
On February 23rd David's workshop Writing an Irresistible Online Profile (for the LGBT community) is at the Jewish Community Center on the UWS in Manhattan.This event, for Jews and goys alike, will be a blast, with us creating a volunteer's on-line profile in real time. How do you pick pics? What's the best way to say something that will make them hit reply? Come find out...place your reservation now!

DATING VS. HOOKING UP

Sometimes when I am working with one of a group, I am surprised to find that my clients don't seem to be aware of the difference between hooking up and dating.

Hooking Up: Running or replying to an ad for casual, "no strings" sex. Typically this involves a lot of short e-mails, the exchange of some explicit and some benign photos, totally inappropriate replies from strange people, the identification of a person of interest followed by a 10-second phone call to make sure the other party sounds sane then a clandestine meeting at one of the people's homes.

These events will, in most cases, never lead to a second encounter. In some cases, where the chemistry is right and the individuals look better in real life than in their pictures, the two of them become "friends with benefits" or, (make sure there are no kids around), "fuck buddies."

Dating: This activity can stem from any variety of sources--mutual friends, meeting on the street, co-workers who know someone or even an 0n-line ad on a legitimate site (preferably Yahoo Personals as E-Harmony and Match are both laden with troublesome political ties). As with the hook-up, pictures may be swapped (less provocative ones usually) and a phone call or two may follow as well. However, unlike the hook-up, the meeting is almost always public and focused on an activity besides the horizontal hustle.

These events will, in most cases, never lead to a second encounter. In some cases, where the chemistry is right and/or the individuals look better in real life than in their pictures, the two of them go on a second date. Out of that population, a third date is a slim possibility that leads to a forth, rinse and repeat.

Can dates emerge from hooking-up? In the words of the Magic 8 Ball, "signs point to no." In almost no cases will that occur, although it seems everyone I say this to has a friend who met his or her significant other at a sex party and they have been together over ten years and have a house upstate.

To summarize, there is nothing wrong with either hooking up or dating. Neither is a perfect system but they are separate entities and create separate results. Hooking-up almost never gives one anything more than a few moments pleasure. Dating tends to take a longer time to return rewards but does offer the chance for something more the next day. The problem lies in a person doing one and wanting it to be the other--a decidedly human trait.

Happy Friday!

Looking for a Serious Relationship? NOT

I just skimmed some personals ads on-line and I have to say, it does not take too long to find a personals ad with problems. And as I get ready to give my February workshop "Writing an Irresistible Online Profile" I am looking for some prime examples of what not to do.

One of the more egregious crimes is having words that say one thing and pictures that say another. This crime, an offense punishable by not getting the responses you seek, occurs when people say they are tired of "trashy one night stands" and are "looking for true love." Or they say, "NOT looking for a hook up."

Well what is wrong with that you ask?

The words don't match their actions. They say that, and then they put up pics like the one you see here. I'm not complaining now...it is a nice shot. But that said, listen to the words and look at the torso. One does not support the other.

What is the solution? If you are looking for sex, that is fine. Go after it and post pictures like this. If you are seeking true love--all the best--it is hard to find. But don't pictures like this for your quest. Pictures for one can't support pictures for the other. We need headshots, and a few of them, ALL TAKEN WITHIN THE LAST SIX MONTHS. People need to see you, the person, not you the abs. Don't complain about being treated like a piece of meat if that is what you are selling my dear.

Speaking of which...I need some new pictures.

Have a great day.

Statistics and Real Life

The first time I bowled--I mean the very first time--I got a strike. I was desperate for a PE credit to graduate and every Tuesday morning at 8 (!) am I went to the local arcade de bowling to earn that final credit. And the first time I picked up a ball--WHAM--a strike.

What may one infer from that about my performance as a bowler based on that fact? Absolutely nothing. The reason is that the number of times I had bowled, what statisticians call the "N," the number of times I tried it, is far too low. And that makes sense. Beginner's luck could be the cause, or a high degree of natural skill or some other unforeseen factor.

Why am I talking about stats? Because statistics is the most scientific, systematic way to understand our lives. We need to try something more than once to see if whatever it is--dating someone new, public speaking, culottes--works for us. And most of the time that is not what I see when I speak to clients about change.

"I met her and within 15 minutes I had decided she was not into me"

"Once I started speaking they looked bored and I knew I was not doing a good job. I am never gonna go to Toastmasters again."

"I knew right away that I looked awful in culottes. People were staring at me!"

These are the sort of things I hear over and over. Making a life changing move--dating, trying something you are scared of, even wearing something you don't normally wear--is a change. And we humans don't do change well. So we jump to conclusions or we mind read or we predict the future based on a single moment. Not the greatest way to think about your life folks.

Try something, or someone, more than once. Be open to new ideas and concepts. And pay careful attention to the results. You might find that as your N increases you will gain more information that helps you get a more accurate picture of how your date, your speech, your new clothes, truly worked for you.

BTW, I never got another strike. And believe me, I had a large N by the time the semester had ended.

Have a great day!

What Harvey Milk Taught Me

I recently saw the film Milk and thought, wow, this is an overrated film. I am a tad tired of the whole "he should get an Oscar because he is straight and kissing a guy" school of acting. It was fine for what it was (3 out of 5 stars) but nothing beyond the realm of the stock biopic.

That said, I did leave the film with imagery in my noggin, a "take away" worth keeping. The moment is early, when Milk the New Yorker passes a cutie in the subway and asks him out---and in doing so changes both their lives forever. Upon seeing that scene I thought, "I need that, I have to get ballsier or I am gonna be single the rest of my life."

But translating thoughts into action is a challenge. I dropped the ball this PM, when a cute-not gorgeous, not really my type--but cute, guy was alone at the screening of Doubt that I was at. He kept checking his cell prior to the film and I thought he was a little too much--23/24-ish with a fedora and a trench coat--but I kept watching him. At the film's end (4 out of 5 stars) I turned around and he was gone.

Twelve blocks and 20 minutes later I saw him at the subway stop, still checking that cell for the offer/bid/proposal that would never come.

I thought of Milk-- be would have gone up and asked the young buck to dinner. No strings, just dinner as a meal is almost always better together than alone. But I did nothing. I watched him walk into the subway and thought "idiot , go after him" and I did, but he was really gone this time.

So now I am having a fabo dinner -- good wine and stuffed mushrooms and a great Caesar salad--alone. What would have happened if I had asked? Don't know...but I wonder...